Incoherent updates
Nov 24, 2018 Saturday, November 24, 2018 | 2 comments

The past half a year has been nothing less than an overwhelming amount of changes and intriguing experiences. 

I've spent most time living in a place I've learnt to call home, and spent a fraction of that in another country I never really thought about but learnt to love. I hold true that the best way to learn about yourself is to be alone for awhile, and being in a foreign country with little to hold on to has to potential to do exactly that, contingent on having time to sit down and meditate on all the on-goings.

And time and mindspace were luxuries I could only crave for. 

Too much time has passed where I've buried a lot of my self and believes and held them under the bottom of my heart to be palatable, and presented the version of myself that is the easiest to love. I try to justify and tell myself that it's part of growing up and I'd make up with taking time off to be disconnect and reconnect with my own energy, but it truly is not ideal or sustainable really.

It is such an easy thing to do, putting up a facade - be it being beautifully airbrushed, flawless, and setting high standards with "candid" photos that were carefully planned, or being closely complaint with the social standards and carefully inconspicuous - adoration is an ecstasy. And if after all that plastered overlay, there remains opinions that are not in favour, you can always just sweep it under the rug and tell yourself it's not really you they don't like. 

You'd think that being an adult is a lot of "practise makes perfect" but everyday feels like a new test and I'm constantly underprepared (that might have a lot to do with wanting to appease an audience of 15 ilks wtf).

But, I digress. 

Nothing can be done for what has been done, and as the saying goes, better late then never. 
I guess a big part of growth is realizing what you love and what you don't - it is in contrasts, we learn. but the bigger part of it is actualizing the changes we need to make.

There's a lot to figure out on my end, but if there is one thing I am sure of, it is this:
Be never not grateful.

I don't know if I'm putting them in words right, but I believe there is a tiny space between not grateful and grateful - a space of constant motion - and not not grateful lies exactly there. 

If I'm being completely honest, there are days where I violently choose to believe in the existence of a multiverse, so my heart can rest with the idea that, wherever I am at any point of time, there is a version of me that is exploding with joy and drowning in love of all forms.  Life in my line is very much comparable to a long-distance sprint, but even on days where my brain is numb and my body feels like it's not mine, I am never not grateful. 

I am never not grateful for tiny things like walls and curtains and hot showers and pavements and Grab wtf, and for bigger things like being so spoilt with flights and hotels, realizing the people worth keeping around, the ones who go literally extra miles for me, and adequate sleep wtf.
But above all, I am never not grateful for this journey of a life. 
Not everything is a baby breeze but isn't that where the fun comes in? It's such a hard pill to swallow to know that not everything is going to happen the way you want them do, but please trust that everything is happening in your favour, I promise you that much. 

There really isn't much that I haven't said that I want to say, and this has so little relation but I feel the need to say this: 

I wish for you a love that understands how you need to be loved, 
I wish for you a love that put your heart in clouds - in a floating fluff of calm, easy joy,
I wish for you a love that puts you above dollars and hours, and will do anything to keep your heart safe,
And I wish you find all this love in you, for you,
before you find another who would do the same for you.

Until next time, love. 
Please take care of yourself. 

I'm sorry 
Please forgive me 
Thank you 
I love you.

Thank you for reading my non-proofread, muddled thoughts wtf
Writing is truly therapeutic and the only way my thoughts come the closest to making sense
And this piece was supposed to be much different from what it become 
I'm trying out "get done is better than get perfect" so here goes, see (but let's see how it goes wtf) 
But any writing put my heart in a place that is more at peace,
and that was the only goal.

Signing off at 4.30am. 
ilysm gn. 

DYS: It's okay
Jun 15, 2018 Friday, June 15, 2018 | 11 comments

Dear younger self,


It is a week short to a year since I last written to you/for you. I keep saying I will write more, and I would blame it on time being scarce and work being absolutely consuming, but the truth for anything undone is always because it wasn't put before all else at any point of time. And I'm guilty for that. 

Come time, there will be a day where you see the world expects you to follow your mind and hush your heart. And all I ask is for you to please never drift too far. 

Time is relative, and I've come to believe the theory that the same amount of time is relatively longer when you're 15 than when you're 25. The past year felt like half, with too many things compressed in the tiny time frame. It has been nothing short of excitement and chaos; discomfort was an ongoing theme (but good always come out of it) and time has been passing too fast and too slow at the same time and some few days I wish time would stop so I could just breathe. 

But if there was one thing I took away from the past 12 months, it is this: 
You will always get what you wish for. 
And if you don't, it's because of resistance in your beliefs (very long story la go read up wtf). 

Of course, you are free to wish whatever you choose and choose whatever you wish, but the universal paradox is this - you are free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choice And sometimes the universe gives not you what you deserve, but what you need. 

Things will come in play for you to get what you wished for - sometimes, to get to where you want to be requires you to do things so far out of your comfort zone; sometimes, things just happen to you, for you. But even the tiniest motion causes a ripple, and a ripple in life really is a disorder before a new order. My promise to you is that all is happening in your favour, and that when your wish is what your heart's desire, even in chaos, there will be calmness, and your heart will rest

Everything you wish for comes to you the minute you allow and let go and be happy.

And I want you to know that it's okay.
No matter what, no matter when, no matter how. 

There will be days you outdo yourself; and there will be days where your best effort is not good enough. There will be days your heart drowns in joy and love and happiness enough to share with every person you greet; and there will be days where the introvert in you protests so hard you can't even bring yourself to reply a text.

There will be days where you wake up feeling like your heart overflows with an abundance of love and gratitude and you wouldn't even mind the sun, the days you want to live forever; but there will also be days where it feels like morning came too soon and your heart is heavy and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and pretend you don't exist.

 But that's okay. You're okay.

Blessed are the days where you take care of yourself so well, adulting feels like it's a pleasant task; but also blessed are the days where nothing goes right, and all you can do is pray for a dream that lets you remember how it feels like to rely on others and righteously do so.
Because it is in desire, we learn what we want; and in contrast, we learn and adjust and make progress.

It is an unfortunate circumstance that the hours we put in "real life" makes taking care of ourselves a luxury we sometimes can't afford (try to, tho?) - not just the food and exercise and sleep, what consumes the most is the self-talk, stress, anxiety, and unnatural breathing. Your body and mind goes through a lot with little time to revamp and reset - overhaul, if you will.

So please be kind.

Quoting Robin Sharma, "there are no mistakes, on lessons". Learn from what you wish you could do better, but please speak to yourself with kindness and empathy, and forgive yourself (and others) for what cannot be undone, and remember "as above, so below; as within, so without."- life happens not to you, but because of you.

 Nous croyon en l'amour - In love, we trust.
As always, I love you, beyond words and numbers that can never define you.

I wonder what you would say, if you could see me now.

I'm sorry
Please forgive me 
Thank you
I love you.
Thank you for reading! 
Writing remains to be my favourite way to sort my thoughts.
But I havent written for so long everything is all over the place. 
Not the most pleased with the outcome, but done is better than perfect I guess.  
We live and we learn, and today I learn to be equal with kindness.

Thank you for taking a piece of my growth with you.
I hope your heart is light today, everyday. 
Sending love x 

Dear 2017
Dec 30, 2017 Saturday, December 30, 2017 | 0 comments

Dear 2017,

The year before, 2016, was a year of tremendous change. And as it is every year, I am never the same person the when we met and as you leave (that would be an awful waste of time, wouldn't it?). But this time, more than ever, you've made me a person I couldn't never imagine calling me.

You were a year of stillness, just as you were a year of panic.

Change is an inevitable constant and is always so overwhelming, but you were a storm I felt oddly at ease with. I am literally in a time-space far away from the home I'm used to, but I feel more than comfortable being in this place I've never seen a little more than a month ago. I'm starting to think we're all nomads at heart and everywhere is just a home I learn to love quickly.

You were the year of self-discovery in midst of chaos.

Or was it the chaos you were that aided the finding, I can't decide.
To paraphrase Suzanne Wagner, in chaos you find clarity because chaos destabilizes your old ways and forces you into the new. In chaos, you learn that you were never really in charge. And you did exactly that. I am constantly reminded that what we truly have is the second we are experiencing and decided there is nothing I want more than to be bold and put as much of myself out there as my heart would allow in spite of fear, and love with the entirety of my heart, and then love some more.

Because if all you can only have now, there is no regrets of the past, there is no fear for the future - only the decision to experience everything that is presented to you at its rawest, purest state, and realize nothing has to be done.

You were a year of calm and routine, but also impulses and recklessness.

And I'm finally the closest to being as much myself as I know to be.
Cliche as it is, nothing is more blissful than being in the most natural state of self. Everything is easy and instinctive and exhilarating, everything just floats and flows in a magical speed. The state is nothing less than ecstasy; so much so even in the worst times, there is an irrational comfort I can't explain.

So, thank you.

Thank you for being the kindest year. You brought me every growth I needed, and comfort in all magnitudes, in forms of everything ranging from an unexpected presence to a glimpse of the most beautiful sight of dawn. Incidentally, in growth, there is also a consequential change in distance. For that, I'm grateful you brought the people who loved me through time to light, and I'm grateful for those who love me as I am.

Thank you for being a year of shifts and changes, in so many ways. The last of you was an intense surge of adrenaline and speed and euphoria. Momentum picked up so quickly, the faster it got, the faster it got, and suddenly everything is different, and there is nothing I would change. You proved that the universe always provides generously, and everything is in time. My heart is grateful to be at ease, knowing more than ever everything happens for a reason, and I place trust in knowing that all is perfect as it is.

It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, but with and above all, you embedded in me the idea that joy and love is a state, not a circumstantial reaction. 

Thank you for being exactly what you were. You passed so fast I'm barely ready to let you go.
Time is equal, but memories make some more significant that others. And you are one of the years I visit more often than the rest.

Ku'i 'ia ke kukui pili ke aloha;
Pili ke aloha kau maila e;
A Hala I Ka Lani.

All love,

Thank you for reading!x
Ending the year my favorite way I know. 
A lot has happened this year and many decisions had to be made,
but everyday I wake up feeling like the luckiest hooman. 

Thank you for bringing a little abstract piece of me with you.
I hope 2018 will bring you more love than your heart can contain. (:
Love you x

Soul Mates
Nov 16, 2017 Thursday, November 16, 2017 | 0 comments

“We can also allow our Soulmate to pass us by, without accepting him or her, or even noticing. Then we will need another incarnation in order to find that Soulmate. And because of our selfishness, we will be condemned to the worst torture humankind ever invented for itself: loneliness.”


My heart is everywhere today.
Things are happening simultaneously and emotions are coming in waves, it is a bit overwhelming,

But, I trust that all is in due time, and all is in perfect timing.
And all I can say is thank you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you.


The divine timing
Nov 13, 2017 Monday, November 13, 2017 | 0 comments

Some people say that life is what you make of it; some people say all things are written and we're just here to fulfill our meaning. Things are happening all the time, and everything is constantly in motion, and time is passing, whether you like it or not. 

Some days I believe in the former - it gives a sense of control and fulfillment - but it drives me into anxiety whenever I think about having to figure out what kind of life it is I actually want and which direction I should take. How much fun is too much fun? How much do I have to "go for it" despite the nagging gut feeling? What if I end up being eighty four years old and realize that I have been chasing for something I care very little about? 

And things are happening all the time, and everything is constantly in motion, and time is passing, whether you like it or not. 

Then I fall into believing in the latter. Which is so much easier to do. Just, let be, and all will fall into place, and not having to take responsibility. And most times I believe in this more because (of science, mostly, but that's a thesis-worthy post we will never dwell into wtf) my heart rests well. Things seem to flow better and good things seem to always come and inspired intuition will come in due time, urging for you to take action.

Mostly, I hover between believing that it is a lot of knowing what your heart and gut want, and what you do about it. Make things happen but also allow things to happen. 

And things happen for a reason. Everything is constantly in motion. Time is always passing. 
And time is always right. 

Time is a funny thing on its own. For the little of what we factually understand, it started as an indication, a measurement to meet at a common ground, but as time passed it became a milestone check, and became something we race with.

The idea of the divine timing is this: Everything is exactly when it's supposed to be.
Sometimes, we don't get what we want immediately-immediately. Most times, we don't get them when we want them most. But most things don't make sense up-close, but time will pass, and you will be dragged further from your current reality, and you will realize that you had went through what you've been through so that it could be built up to whatever / whoever you are right now.

And then there is the divine storm for the undecided.

For a large fraction of time, it was paralyzing for me to think how different my life would be if I took all the risks and made curious intuitive decisions that can't be fully rationalized; almost always I would end up wishing for parallel universes to be true and enough science for me to watch how things could be, and be at peace knowing that, at least in some ways, I lived that life too.

Later I learnt that, no matter how meticulous you are in sculpting your conscious-ideal-justified life, sometimes things happen - they will come in waves and lighting, intimidating and unannounced, and it will feel as if you've lost all control and things are too fast and nothing makes sense. And that is the divine storm, conjured to reset your course of motion (there is actual science behind this, don't doubt me wtf).

I may not be right, but knowing of the divine storm and divine timing puts my heart, because nothing is wrong and nothing can go wrong. And maybe if it will help yours rest, I hope you know this:
You are always on the right track, in the right time, going through the right things. 
And if things don't turn out the way you want it, maybe it wasn't what you truly wanted. 
All you have to do, is make time count, be a person with a heart, have fun, and be truly happy at any stage, knowing with ease that the universe/god/science will work their magic.
And you just have to be there and allow it. 

P.S not proof-read what else wtf

Thank you for reading!  
Honesty am very unsure of how this piece turned out wtf
I was absolutely fickle about this piece it has been sitting in draft for the longest time
Being mindful but thoughtless is a balance I have yet to master haha
I will be perpetually terrified of what people may think when I put up something close to home,
But I hope at least one person gets relieve out of knowing 
And that will be enough :) x 

Thank you for taking a piece of me with you.
I wish for you everything you wish for x