2020 // Productive melancholy
Apr 25, 2020 Saturday, April 25, 2020 | 0 comments


Haven’t written in too long a while. But with all that is going on out in the world and within my tiny life form, I decided to take some time off to tend to the weeds in my garden of thoughts.

The year 2020 continues to be a surprise as it unfolds with time.

While a pandemic is not an unprecedented event and the idea of the end of the world (it isn’t ending ok, im just saying the idea of it) has been in played in movies and talked about, no amount of exposure could have prepared anybody to be in this situation. One way or another, our daily lives have been affected, and some more than others.

It would be irresponsible and delusional to say that this period has been easy and kind to everyone. The only certainty we have about the pandemic is that it is temporary; but how long is “temporary” and what is the magnitude of its ripple effect, we cannot tell.

As much as I like to say that it is hardly productive to dwell with unpleasantness, there are days where feelings are so overwhelming, not treating the distastefulness would cause a bitter spread so wide one turns stale.

But everyone is free to explore what ways of coping works best for oneself, this is just me wtf. I talk a big game about taking care of one's mental health is but honestly putting too little importance and take too little time actually do so of myself hahahah

There had been (recent) days where my emotional wellbeing has been… at the lower spectrum of the scale. Partly contributed by the rebalancing of my ambivert-ness (why isn’t there an article on how should ambiverts cope with the circuit breaker/lockdown situation yet?), partly (read: majorly) contributed by external factors that are far out of my control. And I know that the most sensible and productive course of action is for me to move on and allow what that is to come to come.
Alas, the rational mind knows, but the heart feels.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, unpleasant emotion feels like what I imagine it’d be like walking in a pool of oil spill or heavily starched water – full of resistance and struggle and getting nowhere; and when I say I feel like, I meant feel physically. And isn’t it the hardest thing, running from yourself? There is hardly a way to do so unless you count drugging yourself (which I strongly advise against – temporary numbness is no solution to any problem).

(I learnt later, that these are burnt out days – the days where I no longer have the mental capacity to tolerate and sweep tangled heartstrings under the rug.)

On days where disruptive thoughts are inordinate, I allow sometime for the emotions to be felt, and go through a phase I (want to) consider productive melancholy – where being desolated helps exhaust the negative the emotions and, in time, restore balance. Am I even making sense hahahah

I usually allow these emotions to take form of a child - (It gives space between the emotional and rational self, making it easier to see the bigger picture. Plus, we are oftentimes much harder on ourselves than we consciously know. By creating a distinction between your irrational self and rational self, there is space for heart and consciousness in taking time to tend to them gently) - listen to its tantrum and treat and speak to it with patience and loving kindness – you may just hear words you never knew you needed to hear.
Then indulge in a pint of ice-cream or two, or whatever is your choice of fix. That's what I do, anyway.

And when it’s over, get back on track.

(But, oh, don’t be too harsh on yourself. If the world doesn’t end because of a pandemic, it will not end because you’ve taken some time to take care of yourself. If anything, being socially malfunction may just make things worse, no?)

But, as they say, “even in the darkest of days, every cloud has its silver lining”.

While it is counterintuitive to encourage chaos, I’d like to think that this may be the disorder we need to recreate order.
Change is rarely pleasant and of no resistance, but it is constant and necessary. Take it as a sign: if you feel the slightest bit of calmness and relief between the quieter spaces in your days, maybe within your divinity you know that this change may just bring what truly is yours.

It is in this time we realize the things we cherish and miss most are those that are the most important to us. This pandemic serves as a reminder that, while we are chasing for all sorts of luxuries, we may have lost sight of what that is truly predominate in our core. To most of us, it is health and family.

So, while this sniffle Earth caught took us by surprise coming unannounced, I am grateful.

I am grateful for this to happen in an era where technology is sufficiently advanced – how it has made it convenient for immediate implementation of measures to suppress the spread.

I am grateful for kindness – pressing times show true colors, and im so grateful that most I see are acts of kindness and considerate thoughts shared across platforms.

I am grateful for change – for that will be inevitable after all that we have gone through in the past weeks.

I am grateful for chances – we were given to realign our core, and the chance for the earth to breathe again.

I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you. 

(Not proof-read)
Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts
I genuinely have no idea what I was trying to convey
It's more a word/thought purge, really
But my heart feels so much lighter 
Words will always be my home
ilyvm gn x

Jan 27, 2020 Monday, January 27, 2020 | 0 comments

It has been a whopping 6 years since I wrote to my future self. 

Every now and then, especially on days where I feel distant from myself, I visit older blog posts and remind myself of the days where my head is clearer - and heart, calmer - and grasp on even just an essence of clarity in hopes that it rubs off.
But somedays, I need more than a whiff of remembrance.
I’m starting to think the theory of time feeling shorter as you age is not just relative to the proportion of age, but also relative to the amount of tasked time.

These days, most days are fast-days – days where there are too much to do but time seem to be sprinting; and then there are slow days – days where everything is boring and dull it feels like watching grass grow. The ones I love most are balanced days – days where you are calm, whole and present.

Days like today.
(there is much of how I needed today to rest from everything but those are much lot of unproductive chatter.)

Somedays I think about my choice of career and wonder if I’ve made the right choice.
My entire being was built on the resolution to be closest to my core and live softly and bravely and mostly go with my heart and gut, and I put myself in an industry where everything is made of forms and structures and rules and deadlines – everyday is a tug-of-war for balance and a lesson in forms of incoherent whispers I hadn’t the luxury of time to arrange into thoughts.

While I am grateful to have always lucked out and got to work with very easy-going people, it drives me to the verge of panic whenever I think about the instances where words heard through grapevines took on a life of its own. We have gotten so used to noise, that we sometimes speak meaningless words out of habit to fill up void (I am guilty as well – I tend to do that when I’m off-center), and sometimes it is done at the expense of another (I urge you to consider the possibility that your words may translate unfavorably and ripple into forms of inconvenience and uncalled-for impedance).

And all I’d do is breathe and call for a sign when it is the divine timing.

The more I see, the more I realize no one really knows anything.

It makes my hair stand when I think about how I thought I’d magically know things when I turn into an adult but here I am 3 orbits from my 30s and still just trying my best and taking life day by day. Most people are kind to share their experience and offer forewarnings to possible negative outcomes, but no one really knows.

And it is because of that, I want to believe that no one really does anything to harm another intentionally. I want to believe that we all act as we know best - at the given point of time, in the given state of mind. And in most cases, when found out with time, it is true.

Remembering this allows me some space to think and breathe and wait in an air of calmness as I give time for their reason to surface. Anger is a complete waste of time anyway. (There are many instances where emotions are larger than me and I forget to remember, but it’s getting easier.)

And there is death.

Death isn’t something we actively think about a lot (or is it just me?). Sure, we think about things around it – like ways to prolong our lives, insurance, the after-life, one’s legacy – but we rarely think about it (I wouldn’t recommend doing it often either wtf).

I have a theory that people pass on either when they have achieved all that they want/have to or when they live a NPC life – one with minimal variation of daily activities and flat emotional changes. I’d like to think of it as, if there was a overview of our planet, there will be lights blinking for every life form – where the frequency of blinks is determined by the amount of excitement experienced and the luminesce reflective of the intensity of each emotion (I have yet to completely rule out the idea that this is just a intense game of Sims and we will all wake up one day realize we live in pods).

Part of me think that death on its own is not the most terrifying – it is the anticipation of it and the not-knowing-ness of what it brings. It is implication of permanent cessation to exist that is terrifying because it is unknown, and because it is a point of perpetual separation from all that you love and exists as your identity, all that is that is familiar.

Or maybe death was made frightening by the living people who witnessed death and carried fear to their grace and since became an educated reaction to those who face the end.

But in any sense, it is a irreversible change, and rarely anyone reacts to involuntary changes with much grace and poise.

然后 谈感情.
过年期间这三天 看了内地古代剧 <东宫>。
戏里描述了两个处身得已的恋人 相爱又相恨 因爱而爱 也因爱而不能爱.
我自小偏爱古代剧 最爱前世今生 两辈子的那种. 也是因为这样 对感情特别随心 觉得三辈子的缘分 因凭感觉
偏偏导演都爱虐 每部剧都让主角们多次合离 痛彻心扉。未成年期 觉得感情就要轰轰烈烈 刻骨铭心才算爱的精彩.

长大了却发现 并不然.
现在倒觉得 过于喧闹 折腾 全属不适合。要是每天提心吊胆 痛苦磨难 生活还有时间过上吗。
长大了才明白 快乐的日常 踏实 朴素 安心的快乐 是最大的奢侈。

前些日子 看了个短篇 有个婆婆说 “对的人 会让你的心 安静下来”。 顿时心里 有种莫名的感慨。
一辈子 要有多幸运 才能遇见让自己心里平静安宁的人 又要多大的福气 才能与这人相守到老。

好了今天 写了很多没啥头绪的事 就想整理 思绪。
愿 快乐
(not proof-read as usual wtf sorry)

Dec 31, 2019 Tuesday, December 31, 2019 | 0 comments

Every year I set a new year resolution to do at least 10 Firsts/News; and 2019 has been a year of many.

- For one, I dived for the first time and got my open water diving license.
Since I remember, I seek comfort in being close to water (mostly just swimming or drawing a bath – indoors mostly, as I have yet fully love the sun). I have been - and always will be - a water baby, but it never crossed my mind to imagine a day I would be amongst fishes and corals. Some fear the sea for not knowing what it holds, but I love it exactly for that. It is humbling to be reminded that there is so much we don’t know and understand about this earth and those we share the world with, yet we rarely hesitate to enforce our opinions on what is to be done for our convenience.

- This was also the year I picked up the Ukulele.
I’ve been thinking about picking up another musical instrument for a few years now but have put it off many times with flimsy excuses. Christmas this year, I put a Ukulele on my secret Santa wish list and the rest was history. Ngl to date I have only spent a total of maybe 5 hours on the Uke and have only one piece I can sing and play to wtf but it’s a start (?).
(Also went for a few drum classes but I’m still far from calling it a skill at all wtf so cannot say it’s “picked up” yet wtf)

- Got a sibling tattoo with ma sis (!!)
D is going away from home to Aus so we thought it’s finally time we should put our sibling tattoo idea to action. It was a rather short adventure really – we decided on the design and placement in a day and got a tattoo appointment on the next so the whole experience was 2days (plus a lifetime wtf), and now it’s my favorite tattoo with no competition There is little story to this, but I’m so grateful for parents who are wildly accepting and fully trust us with our actions (we went home and showed them our tattoos without any chance of hinting that we were getting inked – much less one slightly bigger than the size of a poker card hahaha)

- It is a first at having a place to call (kinda) Ours.
T and I moved in in the last quarter of the year. The opportunity chanced upon us when we discovered a decent space for two and decided to “share a place”. We didn’t think much about it until we put the pieces together and we were like wtf 我们在同居??? #dum (I brought it up once the day we moved in but T was like… “I guess?” ¯¯\_(ヅ)_/¯  then later went thru a 10-minute episode of perplexity, 3 days later wtf).

- First time missing a flight wtf
Sad story 不要提了 wtf

-Actively participated in Toastmasters and did a prepared speech for the first time
I personally love impromptu speeches because it really tests your knowledge on very random things and ability to think on your feet and forces you to do your best (you’re literally put on the spot haha). The adrenaline is absurd, but not as nerve-wrecking as having to share core parts of oneself to a large audience. Far from my best, given I barely had time to write anything more than abstract sentences in point forms, but it was a step out of my comfort zone for sure.

And there were many simpler firsts – first as a wedding plus-one, first time getting picked up by a guy A DECADE younger WTF (the wildest joke of 2019 – and also a rude reminder that kids 10 years my junior is already out dating???? Brb gna check myself in a museum wtf), found out that my alcohol intolerance do not include moscato, first birthday not spent working/studying (had the best birthday celebration(s) to date – I’m extremely spoilt by having really so many good people in my life I will never understand how I got so lucky), and many firsts in my career I won’t go about (boring stuff only I care about haha).


This has been a year of learning how to live listening to both my heart and my head.

I have never been more comfortable in my headspace as I have this year. It is a journey of permanent progress, but I am getting better at reminding myself that I have no duty to be liked by the entire population that has contact with me, and that the version of me in another’s head is not my responsibility – I merely must live honest to my heart, and find peace in my head.

2019, thank you for being so very kind to me. Thank you for giving me a reason to laugh every day, and thank you for giving me courage to love easily and freely. Thank you for shining light on the people who deserve a permanent space in my life – they are those I have decided to keep forever, and thank you for always surrounding me with the greatest people. You have brought me memories I relive a million times in my head and still stifle a laugh, and you have brought me an immense amount of joy. I love you for that.

May 2020 be a year of abundant joy and happiness, health and prosperity, and love of all kinds ❤️

Come out and play
Apr 20, 2019 Saturday, April 20, 2019 | 1 comments

If my monthly-updates-turnt-quarterly-writing turnt half-yearly-updates, im about 3 days early wtf. but here goes: 


In a timespace where the idea of a retreat is more commonly interpreted as exploring new places far away from home (and work), taking a week off to stay home, run errands, read and honestly just loiter around familiar places is... a curious choice to some. But that was what I did wtf.

Frankly, it was largely eventless and mostly mundane, but it was a breather I didn't know I needed.

For the longest time, I sought away the uneasiness I needed to tend to and make sense of - I can't decide if it's because I've never felt rested enough to process fragments of emotions into coherent thoughts or if I was just terrified of what I may find. But I knew I needed time and space to meditate on whatever that was going on. So I took the time to do exactly that and thought about everything and nothing and just::



There was a time where I didn't understand the space between any two extremes. It was such that, if you're not right, you're wrong; if you're not calm, you're manic; if you're not optimistic, you're a pessimist - and in that, "balanced" meant being on the high spectrum of everything. Which is reasonably unlikely (unless you're Elon Musk wtf #MCForever wtf).

In time, I learnt to love the grey area that created a range that allows for a state of Off-balance, instead of Imbalance.

I learnt that the space between definite "happy" and definite "sad" holds "not happy" (not to be confused with unhappy), "not sad", and "meh". It is so very juvenile, but the idea of it shifted my entire headspace in a way I cannot explain.

And now I'm starting to think that, Balance can also be in between time - being intensely consumed by a certain matter for a period of time, then submerge in the opposite spectrum for time period that is considered equal to oneself.

What if the only way to stay sane, is to have episodes of non-sanity? 

Non-sanity exists in the slit between sanity (being rational, reasonable, in accordance to norm) and insanity. In a broadly interpreted way, controlled but "uncommercialized" chaos, if you will.

In theory, in a way, to maintain order, you need to allow for a magnitude of disorder.
And in practice we see it daily, in different proportions, commonly slapped on with a reason or excuse we find sound and call it normal simply because it is seen time and time again - I considered it normalized non-sanity.
What ever is the term you use to refer, it merely means the same thing - a reset button.

Because all that happens in disorder, is to recreate order. 

Einstein's third law suggests energy is never diminished, only exchanged.
By that nature, on a macro level, the world is always balanced - and so it is with us. But balance is subjective and never a one-size fits all, and as all scales and ranges are, there is a tipping point where all hell breaks loose.

I toy with the idea that "mental disorders" as we universally define so, are largely untended Non-sanity snowballed into an intense outburst (not taking account to those stemming from a chemical imbalance - or does the snowball cause the imbalance(?) idk wtf), and will not stop until the weight held-in disburses enough for the scale to tip back.
And I toy with the idea to scheduled episodes of reset and allowed ourselves a space to allow for energy to flow in a way that makes breathing easy and allow for a space where (lawful) action does not need to be supported by reason. And I imagine a social space where no one judges you as you are because we have all allowed and accepted that each one of us are truly truly different and lives in a range of emotions that may not be interpreted the same way as another.

But eh, I have no answers Lololol.

You see, my Non-sanity routine is spending (way too much) time in my head trying to make sense of thought-snippets that might just be nothing. Everything I write I write just to clear my head cause these thoughts have been nagging and my mind drifts to this space of incoherent noise that really isn't productive.

But I know this -
You never know everything about someone, and sometimes you don't even know everything about yourself - and that's ok. It takes time to accept that you can exist in a space between a saint and a sinner (again, within law and fairness), and sometimes good people do not-good things but it doesn't make you any less than the human you are.
Just... be kind, to everyone, including yourself.

That's all.

(not proof-read as always wtf) 

Thank you for reading my scrambled thoughts. 
I've been putting off this piece for the longest time. 
Balance has been something that is so close to my heart and 
putting a piece of yourself out there will never be not nerve-wrecking. 
But I am grateful for words,
and I am grateful for thoughts,
and I am grateful for you.

May your heart be light always.
I love you very very much. 

Until next time, 

Incoherent updates
Nov 24, 2018 Saturday, November 24, 2018 | 2 comments

The past half a year has been nothing less than an overwhelming amount of changes and intriguing experiences. 

I've spent most time living in a place I've learnt to call home, and spent a fraction of that in another country I never really thought about but learnt to love. I hold true that the best way to learn about yourself is to be alone for awhile, and being in a foreign country with little to hold on to has to potential to do exactly that, contingent on having time to sit down and meditate on all the on-goings.

And time and mindspace were luxuries I could only crave for. 

Too much time has passed where I've buried a lot of my self and believes and held them under the bottom of my heart to be palatable, and presented the version of myself that is the easiest to love. I try to justify and tell myself that it's part of growing up and I'd make up with taking time off to be disconnect and reconnect with my own energy, but it truly is not ideal or sustainable really.

It is such an easy thing to do, putting up a facade - be it being beautifully airbrushed, flawless, and setting high standards with "candid" photos that were carefully planned, or being closely complaint with the social standards and carefully inconspicuous - adoration is an ecstasy. And if after all that plastered overlay, there remains opinions that are not in favour, you can always just sweep it under the rug and tell yourself it's not really you they don't like. 

You'd think that being an adult is a lot of "practise makes perfect" but everyday feels like a new test and I'm constantly underprepared (that might have a lot to do with wanting to appease an audience of 15 ilks wtf).

But, I digress. 

Nothing can be done for what has been done, and as the saying goes, better late then never. 
I guess a big part of growth is realizing what you love and what you don't - it is in contrasts, we learn. but the bigger part of it is actualizing the changes we need to make.

There's a lot to figure out on my end, but if there is one thing I am sure of, it is this:
Be never not grateful.

I don't know if I'm putting them in words right, but I believe there is a tiny space between not grateful and grateful - a space of constant motion - and not not grateful lies exactly there. 

If I'm being completely honest, there are days where I violently choose to believe in the existence of a multiverse, so my heart can rest with the idea that, wherever I am at any point of time, there is a version of me that is exploding with joy and drowning in love of all forms.  Life in my line is very much comparable to a long-distance sprint, but even on days where my brain is numb and my body feels like it's not mine, I am never not grateful. 

I am never not grateful for tiny things like walls and curtains and hot showers and pavements and Grab wtf, and for bigger things like being so spoilt with flights and hotels, realizing the people worth keeping around, the ones who go literally extra miles for me, and adequate sleep wtf.
But above all, I am never not grateful for this journey of a life. 
Not everything is a baby breeze but isn't that where the fun comes in? It's such a hard pill to swallow to know that not everything is going to happen the way you want them do, but please trust that everything is happening in your favour, I promise you that much. 

There really isn't much that I haven't said that I want to say, and this has so little relation but I feel the need to say this: 

I wish for you a love that understands how you need to be loved, 
I wish for you a love that put your heart in clouds - in a floating fluff of calm, easy joy,
I wish for you a love that puts you above dollars and hours, and will do anything to keep your heart safe,
And I wish you find all this love in you, for you,
before you find another who would do the same for you.

Until next time, love. 
Please take care of yourself. 

I'm sorry 
Please forgive me 
Thank you 
I love you.

Thank you for reading my non-proofread, muddled thoughts wtf
Writing is truly therapeutic and the only way my thoughts come the closest to making sense
And this piece was supposed to be much different from what it become 
I'm trying out "get done is better than get perfect" so here goes, see (but let's see how it goes wtf) 
But any writing put my heart in a place that is more at peace,
and that was the only goal.

Signing off at 4.30am. 
ilysm gn.