Peace with my past
Apr 14, 2014 Monday, April 14, 2014 | 0 comments

K so the reason why I haven't been posting much is because...

I lost some lot of weight lately.

Not intentionally, of course. Probably the sudden change of lifestyle due to the odd class schedules, and terrible sleep quality. And the lack of exercise wtf.
And it's not really a lot lot - not half of me or anything. (Though if I did, I'm damn proof that there's wifi in the afterlife wtf.) but with the existing amount of space I occupy, I cannot afford to lose any weight at all.

So I have been surfing on the net about ways to gain weight and one thing led to another, I finally realised how disordered my eating habits are.

Yes I said it. My eating habits are disordered.

This is the first and only time I'll say this on my blog - but I was treated as an inpatient for anorexia once, but I never really did completely restore my weight and kinda was bailed out by my mom hahaha.
It's not something I'd like to admit to anyone at all. But I've made the resolution to be honest and human, and I accept that it's all in my past, make peace with it, and let it go.

Funny thing is that I was never really terrified of gaining weight, nor did I ever really wanted to lose weight. Ironically, I was actually quite depressed cause I was so thin lol. The entire time span to me feels like stolen years I have the least recollection of where I just kind of forgot to eat in a very extensive period.

BUT I'm eating well for a very long time now. Or at least as well as I know how to.

And I can go on a whole rant about how everyone's eating is at least slightly disordered but aku malas lol.

I'm not proud that after so years of my life and I have no clue at all how does my "balance" looks like. The kind of food I eat kind of just fluctuates between "maybe healthy idk" to "ALL THE JUNK FOOD IN THE WORLD" constantly.
I'm still looking for a balance, cause obviously my body isn't accommodating too well to whatever I'm nourishing it with now. (But I'm starting to think that maybe "balanced" is not balanced after all?)

I've also shared my concerns about my unclear weight loss with my mom, and clearly she noticed the change in physique lol. She was so supportive she even asked if I wanted to consult a dietician for a meal plan. But I'd hate to make eating a homework again. The nearest thing to a "plan" I have is to combine intuitive eating and getting about 3000 calories a day.

For those of you who noticed that I've been following some few of recovery accounts on instagram, I hope this answers your question haha.

Completely irrelevant but in all honesty, I actually love a few of them! I admire them for being brave enough to be vulnerable, admitting their frustrations and fears so openly, and all so supportive of each other it's actually lovely community if we could just eradicate the struggles heart I do join in the wagon and drop a couple of comments here and there, and they're really some of the sweetest, most beautiful souls there ♥

But I digress.

Now all I can do is to promise that I will provide all the nutrients it needs and trust that it will fix itself and maybe hopefully gain some weight wtf.
We really need to give our body more credit really. To think that I haven't been too kind to it, putting it up with all the late nights and all, and it's still working it's magic, allowing me to be alive here typing.

On a brighter note, I just got a bone density test last night and I'm at tip top shape on that, so that's good news! Always a rainbow somewhere 797979

Thank you for reading! So irrelevant to you I know, but I had to get it off my chest, and hold myself accountable to find a good balance in my life and take better care of myself. (:

Love you xxxx