Breathe

“I think about dying but I don’t want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.” —Matty Healy

Why am I so sad today?

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I've came to realize that the most difficult part of myself I have to learn to accept is that I, too, have negative emotions. There's sadness, and anger, and jealousy, and insecurities, and so many many more.

It is such a trying thing to digest because that hasn't been a part of me that I actively show, and there's barely anything that truly ticks me off so it makes it even harder to get used to.

But whenever I do feel that way, it is always so foreign and explosive and intense, I get thrown out of my balance, And let me tell you that finding a balance itself is already a tedious chore, having to crawl your way back and tipping the scale to return to where you left off with an extra weight is just fucking hard work.

There's this saying, a sharp tongue is a dangerous weapon, and I'm exactly that. When I'm mad, I tend to say poisonous harmful things I regret the minute it leave my mouth. I learn to hold my tongue, because I know the problem with words is that you can't take them back, and you can much less take back how you make someone feel. 

Maybe that is the part of myself that I have trouble accepting - knowing that I can harm, and - even for just a split second - I don't care if I do.

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Thank you for having my words in your life.

I am sorry if I am less than what you believe I am. 

Sending you all the pixie dust you need (o^^)o ****

Love you ❤ xxx