Dear 20 year old self

Dear 20 year old self,


I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Thing have been bizarre and hectic and unfolding in all directions I'm so very overwhelmed.

I read the letter you wrote for all of us again. I'm so glad to be reminded, to recall, to reconnect - and I'm so sad. My heart tore and healed with every word, and there is so much I want to tell you.

-
As of today, you will be in the work force for a solid 16 months. A year and a quarter.

Honestly, I think things are both better and worse than we expected them to be.

We got into the white collar industry having no idea what to expect and petrified by the fragments of (unpleasant) experiences people share. Like all stories, the things said were tainted by opinion. You're going to hear all about it, and my advice is for you to take it with a grain of salt.

Most people we've got to meet at work are generally very very kind. They're so accepting and lovely and genuine. Last year, on our birthday, some of our team mates filmed a short video of them singing you a birthday song in the middle of work because you were 9.5k miles away (that's a story for another day). I consider them the gems of my entire worklife span to date, really.

And we were given amazing opportunities to do things like organizing events and hosting and writing speeches and dealing with words and people and just a chunk of things you thought you'd never get to do, and going to places we've dreamed of and eventually fall in love with.

I guess our luck never wears off. (;

Everything is magical and the universe is giving us everything we think we wanted, but I've never felt more distant from you. It wasn't until yesterday when I took a step back and realized how much I have lost touch with myself - with you.

There were so many conversations I've held with you in my head since then, consciously and unconsciously. Most of the time we end up with undone reflections because of uncalled-for distractions and strayed thoughts and being so emotionally drained and conflicted I'm almost afraid to think.

Recently, days have been longer and shorter at the same time; my words are both more and less, thoughts are both deafening and abstract, and my heart, both strong and weak. The child and the ego are screaming for attention, but the one I want to hear from most I can't seem to hear.

In one of the audiobooks I've been on lately (I have been very much into audio books lately. They work as beautiful white noises, and I'd like to believe and trust that the subconscious will work its magic.), there was a saying - I can't remember word for word, but paraphrased - "Isn't it unfortunate that we allow ourselves to be surrounded by the things that won't bring us joy?" and I feel like that was your encrypted message to me.

If you could see me now, I wonder what you would think.

P.S. I love you. And I miss you.

Love,
Your 23 year old self.

-
(also, P.S, have not proof-read wtf)

Thank you for reading!!
I'm sorry I have been away for far too long.
I have been meaning to blog for the longest time
but I think it is an unwritten rule for a "professional" to not share themselves wtf
For a long time, I felt robbed of my voice and I think I'd like to have it back now.
I might regret this, (I might not), but regardless, I'd like to remember this.
Thank you for taking a tiny part of me with you.
I hope Monday traffic treats you well ❤
Love you xx