Of Changes
Feb 10, 2014 Monday, February 10, 2014 | 0 comments

ma belle famille 

I have pledged to be honest for this year, and honest I shall be. 

If you told the me two years ago that this would be my life, I would have called bull. 

Two years ago today, I had a terrible self-esteem issues. I compared myself with everyone and anyone. I beat myself up for making measly mistakes, took other's opinions personally, and constantly thought that I was a terrible person for saying "no" to anyone. 
I wasn't confident, and needless to say, I wasn't content. I wasn't sure. I wasn't clear. 
But most of all, I wasn't happy most of the time. 

I wouldn't go out without my bug-eyed lenses, I blamed gravity and genes for my lack of height, I felt chicken thin when I was with gorgeous curvious girls, and then a whale when I was with precious petite people. I kept track of how many followers I have on social medias, I would be so extremely self-conscious when I was with people who I felt were a million folds more attractive than I was (read: everyone wtf). I would go to parties even when I felt like staying under my blanket forever. I laughed at jokes I don't get, and feel intensely embarrassed when I was the only one who found a pun funny (Sorry pun fan since womb days and I wont count on it changing.) and eventually learnt to stop laughing at puns. 

I was a prisoner of my thoughts.

One fine day, I stumbled upon a quote I have seen a couple of times but never really thought about it:
"Accept what you can't change - Change what you can't accept."

Self-acceptance was the key to my new found happiness. 

I learnt to be celebrate other's success. I learnt to still be extremely aware of other's attractiveness, and admire with just a slight hint of jealousy. I learnt to fall in love with the good personality in the people I don't consider my favorite and accept that they are human. I learnt to forgive, both myself and others. I learnt to love my height (or the lack of wtf). I learnt to embrace my quirkiness and the ability to make a million bad puns and lame jokes in a day. I learnt that my social media scores are irrelevant to the quality of my life and mean nothing to me.

I learnt to love everything, and everyone. Even the people I prefer to keep a distance from. I learnt to love my body, my face, and am just grateful they have been so kind to be putting up with me for the longest time despite the unfair treatment I give them. I learnt to respect myself and others. I learnt to be thankful for just being able to function well. I learnt to not take anything for granted. I learnt to show affection and celebrate generous thoughts. I learnt to express myself in words that are made beautiful by writers. I learnt to put in effort. I learnt to give, give, and give. 

I learnt that being different isn't bad - it's just different. 

It didn't happen overnight. Frankly it took a lot of conscious effort to do so. But I will assure you that not a second of that effort is wasted. 

I have bad days - I'm not all miss jolly wolly all day every day. I have bad moments. I have bad self-image days. I have days I don't want to talk, and days where I want to talk about everything. I have days where I eat healthily, and I also occasionally eat an entire tub of icecream and feel as though I'd be shitting icecubes after. 

But it's okay. Because I am human. 
And that's what being human is about. Make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. 

And today, I am here today. Happier, healthier, more balanced and peaceful than I have ever been. 
I no longer beat myself up for the mistakes I make. I review them and understand what I can improve. 
I no longer compare myself with others; I evaluate what I love about them and realize what I can learn.

Do I wish I was happier then? Yes, of course. Would I take back everything I was? No. 
Because, as cliché has it, if it wasn't for who I was, I wouldn't be who I am. 

To my past self: thank you for being young and for enduring all the mistakes. thank you for being brave enough to learn new things, and for making decisions that made me me. 
To my current self, from my future self: thank you for being persistent, thank you for holding on, thank you for making your best decision regardless being right or wrong. 

I truly am blessed. :)

I hope you're having a magical day too! 
Love yall