But a bad person is only a good person with bad habits.
Mar 18, 2014 Tuesday, March 18, 2014 | 2 comments

I've changed so much in the past few years. 

There were times where I was unkind - where I was critical, envious, greedy, judgemental, doubtful, and dangerous. Even though I don't do it consciously, and I tried very hard to fight these thoughts, they were there. Passing rough remarks was a reflex and secretly rolling eyes was a norm, because your thoughts become your words, and your words become action.

The thing about thoughts is this: it messes with your vibe. It doesn't matter if you tried to hide it, it demands to be felt - and it will be, not only by you, but also by the people around you. You will feel it inside you, and you will assess people with the same pair of glasses.

Needless to say, I was unhappy.
I was fortunately one of the happy-unhappies, whereby I am still relatively happy, but my soul was not content.

Those were the times where even I despised myself. As the saying goes, "you judge others based on their actions, but you judge yourself by your thoughts". Or something in that context I can't remember lol.

Until today, as I type this blog post, I still feel a pang of denial: part of me still refuses to admit that I used to be the kind of person the me today would completely steer clear of.

But I am here to release both the person I was, and the person I am.

Yes, I wish I knew better. Yes, I am not proud of the thoughts I've had, and I am deeply sorry for everyone that I have hurt, intentionally or not. But I am letting it go.

I used to resonate a lot with the saying "don't judge me by my past; I don't stay there anymore".

Well now, yes and no.

Yes, I don't stay there anymore. But my past is part of me, and I do agree that I have to take full responsibility of the things my younger self has done.

I'll be the first to admit that I still have unnecessary catty thoughts. But it only pops up once in a blue moon where I am not spiritually grounded, and so so so much easier to get rid of.

So I'm saying this:
A bad person is only a good person with bad habits.

And like any other bad habits, you can change it

Don't like yourself judging people? Good. Stop judging. Don't like being sour? Good. Stop being sour. 
Remember one thing: You are not your bad habits.
It's like, if you smoke, you're not just a smoker. You are you, just with a cigarette pretty much planted between your fingers. 

But love yourself first. Love yourself now
There's no quick fix to this. There's no overnight remedy. But keep trying. 
If it helps, remember that you've done it before. I constantly remind myself that if I gave up colored contacts and also milk bottles lol. 

I'm not going to hide this: I am proud.
I am proud I chose to change. I am proud that I am now able to be genuinely 100% happy and excited for other people's success. I am proud that I have released my need to judge and assess. I am proud that I am able to love in an extend where I never knew it was possible. I am proud that I am more balanced. I am proud that I am able to stand strong to my beliefs. I am proud that I am now strong enough to be vulnerable, to be exposed to potential hurt, and still have faith that the people around me are kind. I am proud that I do the things I do bona fide. I am proud that for being able to be honest and true, as I am now.
I am a better person now, and I will only move forward.
And truth be told, I have never been happier.

Today, I'm taking it a notch up and accept the self I was ashamed of for a very long time.

To my past self,

I am sorry you are put through so much pain and uneasiness. I am sorry you have to feel what you feel now. I'm sorry for wherever it hurts. I am sorry, and I love you. 
There will be better days. I am so glad you are able to be joyful despite being unsure. I am blessed that you made things easier because of you are willing to learn. I am thankful that you are getting yourself ready for a change so great you'd never imagine coming. 
I promise you wonderful days ahead, and even better ones further in the future.

Thank you and I love you. 

All love,

Thank you for reading!
Everyone of you reading this is taking a piece of my life with you.
I am grateful.

Love you xxx