Advanced apologies if nothing makes sense. My mind is in a jumble from the load of information I'm trying to process I'm on an overload hah.

And I'm not on high pls wtf

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I'm starting to truly understand and soak in the fact that nothing is completely right or wrong.
In every aspect: ethically, morally, habitually, behaviourally - anything.

I've always wondered how things would be like if I was brought up unschooled.
What would I have taken up? What would be my interest? Would I have saved myself the trouble of going through unnecessary dilemmas? What more would I question? What would I be troubled/astonished by when I'm thrown into the "real world"? What would I believe in? What would I find absurd?


The more I read, the more I understand, and simultaneously, the more I don't understand; and the more I realize I don't understand, the more I try to understand, the more I un-understand (?)
Do I even make sense anymore wtf I don't even lol


The craziest thing to realize is that, nothing is real. Nothing.
I'm not real. You're not real. Nothing is real.
Nothing you've known is real. Nothing you have been taught is real. Everything is a fraud.

The concept of "normal" is overdue. There's no such thing.
Normal lifestyle. Normal bio-clock. Normal sleeping hours. Normal eating habits. Normal workout routine. Normal BMI. Normal education requirements. Normal health indications. Normal life course. Normal relationship. Normal "essential" experience. Normal cravings, physical and emotional. Normal emotional challenges. Normal hype. Normal sadness. Normal anything. What even is?

My normal is not your normal; just as yours is not mine. Different is different, and that's that.

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I'm torn between finding a balance, and accepting that balance is ever changing - that "imbalance" may just be a form of balance.
Maybe imbalance is not even real. Maybe imbalance is just a different form of balance - one that is foreign to most. But do we just accept that it is "out of" balance because it is not too commonly experienced?

Having pints of  Ben & Jerry's while crying over Titanic 4 in the morning after a bad break up is balanced. Sleeping for 15 hours because you dont want to make a tough decision is balanced. Wolfing down 12 slices of pizza is balanced. Feeling fat is balanced. Watching 5 seasons of Gossip Girl because you're procrastinating is balanced. Being angry is balanced. Being sad is balanced. Being happy and sad at the same time is balanced.

Because that's what you are going through. That's what you need to feel, that's what you need to do, and that's exactly what your body and, if not or, soul truly need.

The zero state is being happy. 
I sometimes even think that the main reason we feel imbalanced is the believe that we are imbalanced.

Today, I had a 2 hour nap an hour after I wake up. I also happily devoured an entire jar of freshly opened peanut butter, together with an entire jug of sugar dense chocolate milk shake for a study snack.
Is it "normal"? Probably not. Is it balanced? Hell yea.

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By all means, I'm not saying that everything I believe in is by any means "the truth". I'm just thinking out loud, sorting out some thoughts, and throwing out some raw unprocessed perspectives to see if anyone can help me make sense out of it.
If it offends you, I apologise. And I am more than welcome to listed to your point of view.

After all, there is no true absolute right or wrong, is there?


💗
If you made it here, you are one awesome person, and I thank you.
And I love you regardless whether you read it or not ❤️ 

Hope your day was well! xx 
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