Let's go out and play
Apr 25, 2015 Saturday, April 25, 2015 | 0 comments

(Thoughtless rant post again hahaha)

Haven't been tremendous lately. Mainly exhausted, physically and mentally. 

Negative emotions are so energy-draining, and it is only made worse that they grow on each other. In a matter of little time, everything snowballs into snow giants.

I gave some thought, and I came down to this:

I'm quite tired of apologizing.

If I were to be given a chance to relive days of an entire month, the past 30 days would not be at all close to the top of my list. There were so many downs - so many many downs - I cried tears that were not of joy, and my heart threatened to shut down so many times. For the first time, I thought of feelings as such awful things. 

Yes, causing unnecessary inconvenience is regrettable, and I am sorry for that.
But only that.

I'm not sorry for having feelings so overwhelming I couldn't react to gracefully. I'm not sorry for being honest about how I despise, to my deepest core, feeling that way. I'm not sorry for not being able to be angel of constant joy and happiness. I'm not sorry for being human.
And I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry.

It is not ego, though.
I am willing to apologize where an apology is due, where deemed fit, where it makes things easy.
But it gets increasingly difficult when your apologies makes such forced difference, and slowly, it loses meaning.

Maybe all I've been wanting is really an overly ideal best of both worlds - to feel with all my heart, and still be able to think rationally. Isn't there already a saying: "My brain has no heart, and my heart has no brain. That's why when I speak my mind, I appear heartless."?

It's tiring to fumble between both ends, trying to keep a balance. You know how scars thickens the skin a little, making it a little less sensitive and a little more numb? Every time I am wounded, it happens, and I feel a bit less, and become a little less thoughtless; and being mindful is exhausting.
I'm constantly having a tiny war in my head, convincing myself that pain is a part of living, and sadness isn't so bad. Because deep down I still believe that living is so much more important than being safe and surviving.

Because, despite all, I am grateful I decided to feel.
Because, despite feeling so conflicted throwing myself off a cliff sounds reasonable, the discomfort helped me grow and learn, and I accept that people are different.

I haven't thought through a lot of things, but one thing's for sure:
I've decided that dealing with people who affect me negatively is just a bloody waste of time, and, in the humblest way, I know my worth enough to cut off things and people that weigh me down.

Last month majorly sucked.
There was drama.
I hate drama.
Let it never happen again.
P.S. I can fucking cut you.

Thank you for reading!
I'm sorry my blog is always filled with semi-sorted thoughts.
To be fair, there were better days. But the bad needs fixing, and this is me making amendments.

I hope your days were less tear inducing compared to mine.
I wish I could be nice and cuddly all the time, but people tend to forget water makes icicles.

Sending magical cheesecake fluffs that brings you good luck ❤ 
Love you xxx