DYS: Be a person with a heart
Jun 23, 2017 Friday, June 23, 2017 | 0 comments

Dear younger self,

Since some time ago, I have decided that there is nothing I will warn you about and nothing I will tell you to avoid; because I have come to believe that for all things that happened / will happen - better or worse - there is something good that comes out of it; and that it is a form of respect and trust to let you figure it out on your own.

But there are little things I just wish and wish and wish I knew when I was younger and these are the things I write to you about. l also want to keep writing to you just simply because.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote to you.

There were ups and downs and a lot of rambling around, fall-outs and catch-ups, love and social discomfort (?) (Being in a state of constant uptight does not help articulating the situation, but it's definitely not hate or dislike. Selective withdrawal, if you must.) But I guess that's how things are like - fluid, ever-changing, different, in-movement, which can be exhausting, really. Most days I am well-up positive and grateful for being in a position I have so much to love for, but there are some off-days where everything is far too overwhelming and I pray I could stop time for a moment and just be for a bit, to take a breather and be actually living that just surviving.

Still, I do trust that something good will come out from all of this, so you just have to know that you'll be fine and alive and learning. If anything, you learn what you don't want, and get familiar with being comfortable with discomfort.

But that's not why I'm writing.

For the past few days especially, a lot has happened, and most parts I had to make difficult decisions to choose between my brain or my heart; responsibility or love; work or family and self. It's even harder when both decisions are logical and debatable and non-presidential, and the consequences were completely out of my hands.

To choose my heart, I will be a fully functioning person as opposed to being a human flesh A.I., but it will also mean I may have to face judgmental words simply because my act may come across as out-of-order.  To choose my brain will mean I have to swallow my heart and gut, and my heart is my person, and to lose that will mean a loss of identity when work has the majority share of your hours.

It was the one of biggest hurdle I've faced so far. I see it as an important one because this will set as a preliminary case and it will became a "we can do that, because we have done that".

I had to take a hard look at the facts and weigh my options and put thought into the risks. After churning my head and thought about it through and through, I chose to go with my heart. Which was not easy. I had to learn to draw lines I never knew how to draw, and I'm terrified of what may come, but my heart is oddly at ease.

One thing, ya girl here has done choosing the brain over her heart, and even though the experience was great, there will always be a little bit of bitter feel in the memories, because in my heart and gut, I feel the guilt of betraying myself. I have gone through enough to know that my gut always brought me the best memories, even if it meant cleaning up a big deal of mess after, my heart was light.

So hear me out, baby-self, no matter what, even if it meant facing the worst accusations, Be a person with a heart.
You're not a person without a heart. (But also weigh out your consequences cause you ain't a person without a brain either wtf)

The beauty of being human is exactly that: being human. You are flesh and blood and feelings and emotions. You are experience and joy and laughter and hardheartedness. You are decisions and good choices and mistakes and lessons. You are allowed to have all that.

But when you don't have a heart, you're just an unemotional wreck, who will be completely replaced by an AI eventually. Because I personally firmly believe that the only thing irreplaceable and completely underrated, is having a true self-awareness, which in turn will allow you to make decisions with your heart.

So, if you would only follow one thing I ask, please do this: Be a person with a heart, and bring your brain with you. Because that blob will do you good when you learn to align it with your heart. :)

As always, I love you.
Don't ever forget that.

Your beating heart 

P.S not proof-read as usual wtf

Thank you for reading!  
Dear younger self is turning into a open letter series lolol
It is terrifying to put myself out there like that,
but I chose to be a person with a heart.
And if I'm wrong, I will learn from this, 
but I have never regretted it (: (I hope wtf)

Thank you for taking a piece of me with you.
I hope the skies are extra pretty for you today x