If my monthly-updates-turnt-quarterly-writing turnt half-yearly-updates, im about 3 days early wtf. but here goes: 

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In a timespace where the idea of a retreat is more commonly interpreted as exploring new places far away from home (and work), taking a week off to stay home, run errands, read and honestly just loiter around familiar places is... a curious choice to some. But that was what I did wtf.

Frankly, it was largely eventless and mostly mundane, but it was a breather I didn't know I needed.

For the longest time, I sought away the uneasiness I needed to tend to and make sense of - I can't decide if it's because I've never felt rested enough to process fragments of emotions into coherent thoughts or if I was just terrified of what I may find. But I knew I needed time and space to meditate on whatever that was going on. So I took the time to do exactly that and thought about everything and nothing and just::

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Balance 

There was a time where I didn't understand the space between any two extremes. It was such that, if you're not right, you're wrong; if you're not calm, you're manic; if you're not optimistic, you're a pessimist - and in that, "balanced" meant being on the high spectrum of everything. Which is reasonably unlikely (unless you're Elon Musk wtf #MCForever wtf).

In time, I learnt to love the grey area that created a range that allows for a state of Off-balance, instead of Imbalance.

I learnt that the space between definite "happy" and definite "sad" holds "not happy" (not to be confused with unhappy), "not sad", and "meh". It is so very juvenile, but the idea of it shifted my entire headspace in a way I cannot explain.

And now I'm starting to think that, Balance can also be in between time - being intensely consumed by a certain matter for a period of time, then submerge in the opposite spectrum for time period that is considered equal to oneself.

What if the only way to stay sane, is to have episodes of non-sanity? 

Non-sanity exists in the slit between sanity (being rational, reasonable, in accordance to norm) and insanity. In a broadly interpreted way, controlled but "uncommercialized" chaos, if you will.

In theory, in a way, to maintain order, you need to allow for a magnitude of disorder.
And in practice we see it daily, in different proportions, commonly slapped on with a reason or excuse we find sound and call it normal simply because it is seen time and time again - I considered it normalized non-sanity.
What ever is the term you use to refer, it merely means the same thing - a reset button.

Because all that happens in disorder, is to recreate order. 

Einstein's third law suggests energy is never diminished, only exchanged.
By that nature, on a macro level, the world is always balanced - and so it is with us. But balance is subjective and never a one-size fits all, and as all scales and ranges are, there is a tipping point where all hell breaks loose.

I toy with the idea that "mental disorders" as we universally define so, are largely untended Non-sanity snowballed into an intense outburst (not taking account to those stemming from a chemical imbalance - or does the snowball cause the imbalance(?) idk wtf), and will not stop until the weight held-in disburses enough for the scale to tip back.
And I toy with the idea to scheduled episodes of reset and allowed ourselves a space to allow for energy to flow in a way that makes breathing easy and allow for a space where (lawful) action does not need to be supported by reason. And I imagine a social space where no one judges you as you are because we have all allowed and accepted that each one of us are truly truly different and lives in a range of emotions that may not be interpreted the same way as another.

But eh, I have no answers Lololol.

You see, my Non-sanity routine is spending (way too much) time in my head trying to make sense of thought-snippets that might just be nothing. Everything I write I write just to clear my head cause these thoughts have been nagging and my mind drifts to this space of incoherent noise that really isn't productive.

But I know this -
You never know everything about someone, and sometimes you don't even know everything about yourself - and that's ok. It takes time to accept that you can exist in a space between a saint and a sinner (again, within law and fairness), and sometimes good people do not-good things but it doesn't make you any less than the human you are.
Just... be kind, to everyone, including yourself.

That's all.

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(not proof-read as always wtf) 

Thank you for reading my scrambled thoughts. 
I've been putting off this piece for the longest time. 
Balance has been something that is so close to my heart and 
putting a piece of yourself out there will never be not nerve-wrecking. 
But I am grateful for words,
and I am grateful for thoughts,
and I am grateful for you.

May your heart be light always.
I love you very very much. 

Until next time, 
xxxx 
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