It has been a whopping 6 years since I wrote to my future self. 

Every now and then, especially on days where I feel distant from myself, I visit older blog posts and remind myself of the days where my head is clearer - and heart, calmer - and grasp on even just an essence of clarity in hopes that it rubs off.
But somedays, I need more than a whiff of remembrance.
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I’m starting to think the theory of time feeling shorter as you age is not just relative to the proportion of age, but also relative to the amount of tasked time.

These days, most days are fast-days – days where there are too much to do but time seem to be sprinting; and then there are slow days – days where everything is boring and dull it feels like watching grass grow. The ones I love most are balanced days – days where you are calm, whole and present.

Days like today.
(there is much of how I needed today to rest from everything but those are much lot of unproductive chatter.)

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Somedays I think about my choice of career and wonder if I’ve made the right choice.
My entire being was built on the resolution to be closest to my core and live softly and bravely and mostly go with my heart and gut, and I put myself in an industry where everything is made of forms and structures and rules and deadlines – everyday is a tug-of-war for balance and a lesson in forms of incoherent whispers I hadn’t the luxury of time to arrange into thoughts.

While I am grateful to have always lucked out and got to work with very easy-going people, it drives me to the verge of panic whenever I think about the instances where words heard through grapevines took on a life of its own. We have gotten so used to noise, that we sometimes speak meaningless words out of habit to fill up void (I am guilty as well – I tend to do that when I’m off-center), and sometimes it is done at the expense of another (I urge you to consider the possibility that your words may translate unfavorably and ripple into forms of inconvenience and uncalled-for impedance).

And all I’d do is breathe and call for a sign when it is the divine timing.

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The more I see, the more I realize no one really knows anything.

It makes my hair stand when I think about how I thought I’d magically know things when I turn into an adult but here I am 3 orbits from my 30s and still just trying my best and taking life day by day. Most people are kind to share their experience and offer forewarnings to possible negative outcomes, but no one really knows.

And it is because of that, I want to believe that no one really does anything to harm another intentionally. I want to believe that we all act as we know best - at the given point of time, in the given state of mind. And in most cases, when found out with time, it is true.

Remembering this allows me some space to think and breathe and wait in an air of calmness as I give time for their reason to surface. Anger is a complete waste of time anyway. (There are many instances where emotions are larger than me and I forget to remember, but it’s getting easier.)

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And there is death.

Death isn’t something we actively think about a lot (or is it just me?). Sure, we think about things around it – like ways to prolong our lives, insurance, the after-life, one’s legacy – but we rarely think about it (I wouldn’t recommend doing it often either wtf).

I have a theory that people pass on either when they have achieved all that they want/have to or when they live a NPC life – one with minimal variation of daily activities and flat emotional changes. I’d like to think of it as, if there was a overview of our planet, there will be lights blinking for every life form – where the frequency of blinks is determined by the amount of excitement experienced and the luminesce reflective of the intensity of each emotion (I have yet to completely rule out the idea that this is just a intense game of Sims and we will all wake up one day realize we live in pods).

Part of me think that death on its own is not the most terrifying – it is the anticipation of it and the not-knowing-ness of what it brings. It is implication of permanent cessation to exist that is terrifying because it is unknown, and because it is a point of perpetual separation from all that you love and exists as your identity, all that is that is familiar.

Or maybe death was made frightening by the living people who witnessed death and carried fear to their grace and since became an educated reaction to those who face the end.

But in any sense, it is a irreversible change, and rarely anyone reacts to involuntary changes with much grace and poise.

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然后 谈感情.
过年期间这三天 看了内地古代剧 <东宫>。
戏里描述了两个处身得已的恋人 相爱又相恨 因爱而爱 也因爱而不能爱.
我自小偏爱古代剧 最爱前世今生 两辈子的那种. 也是因为这样 对感情特别随心 觉得三辈子的缘分 因凭感觉
偏偏导演都爱虐 每部剧都让主角们多次合离 痛彻心扉。未成年期 觉得感情就要轰轰烈烈 刻骨铭心才算爱的精彩.

长大了却发现 并不然.
现在倒觉得 过于喧闹 折腾 全属不适合。要是每天提心吊胆 痛苦磨难 生活还有时间过上吗。
长大了才明白 快乐的日常 踏实 朴素 安心的快乐 是最大的奢侈。

前些日子 看了个短篇 有个婆婆说 “对的人 会让你的心 安静下来”。 顿时心里 有种莫名的感慨。
一辈子 要有多幸运 才能遇见让自己心里平静安宁的人 又要多大的福气 才能与这人相守到老。

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好了今天 写了很多没啥头绪的事 就想整理 思绪。
在此搁笔吧
愿 快乐
(not proof-read as usual wtf sorry)
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