Hi.

Haven’t written in too long a while. But with all that is going on out in the world and within my tiny life form, I decided to take some time off to tend to the weeds in my garden of thoughts.

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The year 2020 continues to be a surprise as it unfolds with time.

While a pandemic is not an unprecedented event and the idea of the end of the world (it isn’t ending ok, im just saying the idea of it) has been in played in movies and talked about, no amount of exposure could have prepared anybody to be in this situation. One way or another, our daily lives have been affected, and some more than others.

It would be irresponsible and delusional to say that this period has been easy and kind to everyone. The only certainty we have about the pandemic is that it is temporary; but how long is “temporary” and what is the magnitude of its ripple effect, we cannot tell.
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As much as I like to say that it is hardly productive to dwell with unpleasantness, there are days where feelings are so overwhelming, not treating the distastefulness would cause a bitter spread so wide one turns stale.

But everyone is free to explore what ways of coping works best for oneself, this is just me wtf. I talk a big game about taking care of one's mental health is but honestly putting too little importance and take too little time actually do so of myself hahahah

There had been (recent) days where my emotional wellbeing has been… at the lower spectrum of the scale. Partly contributed by the rebalancing of my ambivert-ness (why isn’t there an article on how should ambiverts cope with the circuit breaker/lockdown situation yet?), partly (read: majorly) contributed by external factors that are far out of my control. And I know that the most sensible and productive course of action is for me to move on and allow what that is to come to come.
Alas, the rational mind knows, but the heart feels.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, unpleasant emotion feels like what I imagine it’d be like walking in a pool of oil spill or heavily starched water – full of resistance and struggle and getting nowhere; and when I say I feel like, I meant feel physically. And isn’t it the hardest thing, running from yourself? There is hardly a way to do so unless you count drugging yourself (which I strongly advise against – temporary numbness is no solution to any problem).

(I learnt later, that these are burnt out days – the days where I no longer have the mental capacity to tolerate and sweep tangled heartstrings under the rug.)

On days where disruptive thoughts are inordinate, I allow sometime for the emotions to be felt, and go through a phase I (want to) consider productive melancholy – where being desolated helps exhaust the negative the emotions and, in time, restore balance. Am I even making sense hahahah

I usually allow these emotions to take form of a child - (It gives space between the emotional and rational self, making it easier to see the bigger picture. Plus, we are oftentimes much harder on ourselves than we consciously know. By creating a distinction between your irrational self and rational self, there is space for heart and consciousness in taking time to tend to them gently) - listen to its tantrum and treat and speak to it with patience and loving kindness – you may just hear words you never knew you needed to hear.
Then indulge in a pint of ice-cream or two, or whatever is your choice of fix. That's what I do, anyway.

And when it’s over, get back on track.

(But, oh, don’t be too harsh on yourself. If the world doesn’t end because of a pandemic, it will not end because you’ve taken some time to take care of yourself. If anything, being socially malfunction may just make things worse, no?)
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But, as they say, “even in the darkest of days, every cloud has its silver lining”.

While it is counterintuitive to encourage chaos, I’d like to think that this may be the disorder we need to recreate order.
Change is rarely pleasant and of no resistance, but it is constant and necessary. Take it as a sign: if you feel the slightest bit of calmness and relief between the quieter spaces in your days, maybe within your divinity you know that this change may just bring what truly is yours.

It is in this time we realize the things we cherish and miss most are those that are the most important to us. This pandemic serves as a reminder that, while we are chasing for all sorts of luxuries, we may have lost sight of what that is truly predominate in our core. To most of us, it is health and family.
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So, while this sniffle Earth caught took us by surprise coming unannounced, I am grateful.

I am grateful for this to happen in an era where technology is sufficiently advanced – how it has made it convenient for immediate implementation of measures to suppress the spread.

I am grateful for kindness – pressing times show true colors, and im so grateful that most I see are acts of kindness and considerate thoughts shared across platforms.

I am grateful for change – for that will be inevitable after all that we have gone through in the past weeks.

I am grateful for chances – we were given to realign our core, and the chance for the earth to breathe again.
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I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you. 

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(Not proof-read)
Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts
I genuinely have no idea what I was trying to convey
It's more a word/thought purge, really
But my heart feels so much lighter 
x
Words will always be my home
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ilyvm gn x
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