It’s currently 3.40am.

On a Wednesday morning. 

A working Wednesday morning. 

I went to bed at 12, fell asleep at probably 1-ish, and have been lying awake since 3am. 

After resisting the urge to toss and turn (as based on experience every way i position my body will one way or another be uncomfortable - with every failing attempt to further frustrate and eventually infuriate me), i decided to write. 

About what, i don’t know. 

But i decided to ramble anyway, because you know what they say about being awake at the small hours: someone is trying to tell you something. So i figured i might as well write a little and if the message come to me by thought, i’ll have this to remember it by. And if i don’t, i’d still had fun writing a little.

-

Right now the only thought i have is that i probably should not have had a cup of coffee at dinner and a large amount of green tea between then and bed time. 

Honestly i don’t know if its that my body has changed how it receives caffeine or it is just that i had always been too sleep deprived for caffeine to take effect properly for a very long time. Until months ago, i could sleep easily even if i were to a drink tea before bed - if anything the dreams were a bit more vivid and fast paced, but never to the extent of keeping me awake. 

Until now. 

Maybe its that i have finally made up for all my sleep debt and the caffeine receptors are starting to give caffeine the chance it deserves. Maybe, like lactose, my body just decided to give it a “NOPE”. Whatever it is, it would be nice if we got a warning for these kinda thing, no? 

-

It’s days like these i am reminded of the uncomfortable fact that we are - as we always have been - made of organic, fungible parts that replaces itself every 90 days. Like seasons, we are not the same person every quarter of a year. 

It took me one incident of accidentally cutting my hand while chopping up some cabbage, while trying to stop the bleeding and seeing the gaping wound when the bleeding eventually stopped, it hit me that we really are made of flesh and blood and we are very very exposed to mutilation. 

I don’t know what took so long for me realize this? Like i’m actively very grateful for my body and all that it does to keep me alive but maybe its that i’m not very emotionally attached to my body so i have never really equated my body to me? It really feel more like a vehicle to me and i have every responsibility to keep it well maintained and looking the way i like it to without robbing it of its full functionality, but i somehow never associated that, unlike a motor vehicle, losing this vehicle may likely mean my demise wtf

-

Maybe that’s the message I am meant to hear today. 

And if you read this, maybe this is the message you are meant to hear as well: 

take care of yourself. 

Our body speaks to us in first in whispers: a yawn when it asks for a snooze, a tiny grumble in the stomach asking to be fed, small clumsy acts to remind you to keep mindful. 

But when it is ignored or unheard, the voice grows louder and asks become demands: falling sleep becomes an involuntary act (in my case i would fall asleep even mid conversation wtf), hunger pangs become gastric pains, and a “clumsy act” may cause one to lose a finger. 

So take care of yourself. 

Like any vehicle, its cheaper to maintain a car than to get a new one (in this case, the cost is mortality wtf), and like any vehicle, a well-kept car is a better functioning car, and that is the point of any mode of transport - to function. 

—

If you need a sign, this is it. 

Take a day off if that helps you clear your mind and head. Take an extra hour of nap. Heck, take a day off just to sleep in. Treat yourself to that omakase. Buy that Balenciaga (don’t go in debt for that tho wtf). 

:)

-