daphiexn

Feb 25, 2023 Saturday, February 25, 2023 | 5 comments

It really is insane how quickly life can change.

There were few moments in my life where my reality took a 180 and i barely recognize the world i live in.

Right now, I'm sitting in a room i have never set foot in until 3 months ago, in a residence ive been to maybe 5 times in my lifeline, in a sweater i have first seen only a month ago. The people who are my constants now are mostly people who ive never met / have lost touch with until less than half a year ago.

New job, new space, new constants - all in half a year-ish.

and change is terrifying.

It's watching the pieces of yourself you are most familiar with fall apart - sometimes, as you are tearing it apart. It is free falling not knowing where you may land. It is removing yourself from an environment you have learnt the patterns of and putting faith in an ideal that, at the point of change, feels so far and intangible.

It is letting go of everything you know for a chance that what may come will be closer to what you truly desire.

but change is also necessary (and sometimes, involuntary)

We cant be the same person we were 10 years ago. The only thing as terrifying as change is the thought of living in a loop - doing the same thing and having the same thoughts over and over again perpetually with little to no variation, never knowing or questioning what may or could be.

So i guess it's all about choosing your terrifying.

but speaking from experience, time and exposure does change a person whether you like it or not. And when the change becomes radical and you have expanded as a person, what that had been a comforting warm hug feels a tight squeeze, and the way to ease resistance would be for you to inevitably remove yourself.

and i take comfort in my constant constants.

Einstein's first law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can only be changed from one form to another.

It is law that nothing that has been taken will not be replaced with something that is a better match for you on a vibrational level. And it is law that, as the field shifts, only those that are compatible to your energy can stay. It is simply the law.

Blessed are the ones who are able to change with poise and ease, but the lucky ones are those who are able to keep a few constants close no matter how much they change. I like to call them the forever people / gravity. Much like gravity to earth, it doesn't matter how much the world has changed, gravity is always relevant, and is always there.

and it quiets my mind knowing that, no matter how much change has / will happen, if they are your forever people, they will always be there. and those who don't make it through weren't yours to keep anyway.

So I am grateful.

I'm grateful for the chaos of change that (on hindsight) was very much inevitable.

I'm grateful for the comfort that was a safety net i outgrew, for all the parts it has played in my past, directly or indirectly contributing to making me the version i am today.

I'm grateful for new experiences and the opportunity to grow.

and I'm grateful for change.

--------------------------------------------

(not proof-read as usual haha)

thank u for reading xx

first long(er) piece in a long time

honestly i had no idea what this piece was going to be about

but here we are hahahah

i guess, if all else fails

words will always be my forever constant

ily xxxx

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to love

Oct 2, 2022 Sunday, October 02, 2022 | 0 comments

to love

is to grow a garden of flowers
knowing that some day it may all wilt
but until the day comes
you pour all your heart and soul
and hope that maybe
just maybe
that can be enough

- d, 2018

———

maybe even then, i knew.

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Breathe

Sep 14, 2022 Wednesday, September 14, 2022 | 0 comments

to you,

who’s mind is in between thoughts

and heart in between feelings:

breathe

and know that

sometimes

action is what makes

a self-fulfilling prophecy

and non-action

is better than action

decided in a muddle

just breathe

and let things happen

dont want to be that girl

but im blaming this all on mercury retrograde

i’ve never felt more scattered

since…… ever really

the amount of weird my heart is going through

i kinda wanna tap out honestly

but there will be better days

i know that for sure

i hope you do too

ilyvm xxxx

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The Chair

Jul 26, 2022 Tuesday, July 26, 2022 | 1 comments

Everybody has “The Chair” (which may or may not be a chair).

It is the chosen piece of furniture that houses the clothes that have been worn at least once but still have some wears in. (actually maybe not every everybody has it, but this is truth im choosing lolol)

The chances of re-wearing is very low but we keep The Chair anyway, and as days pass, the chair turns into a pile of… pile.

That’s exactly how every uncategorised thought is residing in my brain right now.

i recently learn that some brains are quiet - like unless there is active thinking, it sounds like... quiet.

Unfortunately, my brain is always with something. and when i dont pay attention it sounds like the background of a cafe playing - a mix of music, unintelligible conversations and banters going on, but on loud.

On the occasion when I do pay attention and listen, i have more questions than i have answers in my head and some of them feel like they come with a big chili-red warning sticker, so after assessing my mental capacity to entertain an existential crisis (which is nil), i shove them to the abyss that is The (mental) Chair.

And forget about them hahahhaha

But like the pile of revisit-able clothes, you can never forget forget about them - the content in the pile becomes a vague memory but the pile demands to be tended to by taking up space (physically and mentally).

So here i am.

While reflecting as I take some time off my professional work, i realized i spend so much of my time consuming fast media but barely took the time to process any of them into useful information. so that is exactly what im going to do.

i may or may not publish any here, but if you do see something that is... out of way here, this is possibly why - just me trying to decide to throw or make sense of thoughts that have been sitting in a dusty corner.

ok thats all ily gn xxx

thank you for reading!

i was looking for a point of this post

but realise there isnt one haha

but writing itself does wonders for me

and it definitely is cheaper than therapy

hehehe

ok ily gn xxx

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All my thoughts are in Serif fonts

Mar 8, 2022 Tuesday, March 08, 2022 | 0 comments

... which is deeply ironic, given my first choice of font in every user interface is always Sans-serif.

If you know me well, you will know that every geographical tag I have ever put out might as well have been a lie – I live only in my head. During these time of (mostly) solitude, I realized there are different kinds of words/thoughts in my head. While all of them sound like inner voices – exactly the kind that you expect to hear in your head when reading – some are words used to translate emotions, and some emotions are triggered by words. And while it doesn’t (and probably shouldn’t) feel like much difference to most, it feels monumental to me.

So I have been trying to look into myself deeper to see how I could differentiate a emotion-based thought or a thought-based emotion, and I haven’t been able to – until today, when I realize:

The words from my core are always in italic Serif .

Whereas the words of my mind (“second-handed thoughts” if you will) are always in neat blocks, and usually in Arial (Narrow, if we’re being specific about it), and sometimes in bold, but never italic.

And I don’t know how to explain this but the words that come after mine are always surface - floating, flickering and just... temporary. They come and go and are never impressionable. Whereas the words from my core are creamy almost - they linger and persist and demand to be felt.

The words and thoughts that come from the depths of my being are in italic.

They are less a whisper than an unstifled yawn: the presence is vague and dismissible but at the same time loud and echo-y but unmistakably there; and with acknowledgement the thought will send a ripple through the body with words that demands to be felt by my entire being on a visceral level.

and i need to breathe.

It will take a minute for me to process the feeling that was brought on by a thought that doesn't seem to be mine. And they are never always coherent. sometimes its like i receive those thoughts from a random airdrop by mistake. but I relish in the wonderful feeling anyway.

is this why most poems and classical writing are in italic?

And when i do allow the words to come to fruition, i am rewarded with a tiny dose of (the closest I can describe as) euphoria.

is this how it feels like to feel words intently and intensely?

I honestly don't know what ever will you need this information for,
but I felt the intense need and urgency to write about this.

maybe it is that i didn't want time to water down my emotions

or allow thought-based emotions to taint this experience.

but for what's worth.

i hope today is kind to you.

i hope you are kind to you xx

not proof-read as usual hehe

but u know i love you.

xxxx

P.S.

Dear future self,

Love and Other Words.

Thats all im going to say. xx

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