刚看完了 《长月烬明》

总结 我真的看不得 心有余而力不足

哭的我稀里哗啦的 哽咽抽泣

澹台烬一生 因为命数 吃尽人间苦 受尽欺凌

黎苏苏 徘徊在爱恨相间 

为了大爱 不得不舍去自己的最爱

到最后

英雄 到底得到了什么

有时候我就想

如果是我 会怎样

我知道我希望我会做出什么选择

但

没有被试探过的坚持 算不算坚持

没有被考验过的好人 算不算好人

很多人会说 “如果是我 我绝会/不会”

但 是你的时候 你到底 还能多坚强

在成全自我的诱惑前 会不会还考量是非

能学会换位思考 是个长处

但 实际上 很难实行

毕竟没有经历过他人的人生

不知道ta们对世界的认解

怎么能轻易揣测他人的想法

是天真 是愚昧

我还是想相信 人性本善

只是世间 有太多的奈何

P.S.

上一个让我哭得这么凄惨的是 《长相思》（那个可能哭得更凶）

相柳和小夭 我至今放不下 

xxx

好久没写点东西了

就想记录下

好想念 呵呵

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最近 想让脑袋放松一下 

但好像被紧绷了好久 不会放松了

好不容易有个闲下来的机会

却不自觉地有点焦虑

是因为从小就灌输

要时刻努力的关系吧

感觉这没心没肺的日子不踏实

从步入社会开始 就没有歇息过

工作是一份接一份

现在十年来 第一次空窗

有点无法自置

但也知道 这休息期 很重要

就想

记录下这个没有工作的周日

提醒以后工作的自己

我们现在好好休息

好好的善养自己

以后的你 好好加油

but for now 

we rest. 

xx 

前三年 在审计公司忙忙碌碌的 一年能回家的次数屈指可数

后来疫情关系 快两年半没回家

回家见到爸妈那一瞬间 突然发现 

原来 我好想家 

那天我妈叫我替她拍张护照要用的照

看见原相机里的妈妈 我恍惚了

我妈什么时候 长折子了 头发什么时候白的

一瞬间 我感觉到眼泪涌着上来 

但还是硬硬地把它給咽了

再仔细看看我爸

什么时候开始 我爸也老了

头发白了 老人斑了也有了

还消瘦了很多

晚餐时我妈谈着她和她兄弟姐妹的聚餐

说了句 “我们也不年轻了啊 你大舅都七十了

一年聚三次 也可能见不到五十次”

那个晚上 我压抑不住

悄悄地躲在被窝里哭

不孝啊 

我自顾自的在国外拼搏

却忘了 家里俩老也需要陪伴

疫情时间我妈还动了刀

手术后康复期才告诉我

说是 免得我担心

不孝啊

想象不到她是多害怕

毕竟手术再小都有风险

人不在身边 还让老人家惦记着心境

疫情后我尽可能的常回家 弥补

家里有什么可以帮补的 我尽力而为

深怕错过任何一个孝顺的机会

我已经错过了孝敬阿嫲的机会

不能错过父母了

前段时间看到这一句：

“不需要离乡背井 还能成功 才是真正的成功”

深深烙印在我心里

是啊

要是我再多点本事

或许可以多一点时间 多挣点钱

多挪点时间陪陪家人 带上他们去说了几年都没去成的旅行

如果可以 我想和二十年前的自己说一句

孝顺 趁早

多帮阿嫲穿线 和阿嫲一边包云吞 一边唠嗑

多和爸妈说说话 听听他们小时候的故事

听听他们在是爸妈之前 也有过的人生

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嗯

可能是中秋的关系

虽然才前几天见了面

但节日上不能团聚 特想家

也想趁思路明白

写给以后因为生活忙碌 可能会忘了这事的自己

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中秋节快乐大家

愿 老少平安健康 

事事顺心 团团圆圆

就此搁笔

someone once asked me if i could turn back time, where would i go and what would i do differently.

i ponder about this all the time, and think about all the mistake, things ive said that i regret, things i didnt do/say and regret, and about a million moments i wish i could relive. 

i wish i learnt about the importance of sunscreen earlier.

i wish i'd given that scholarship a shot and experience studying abroad.

i wish i spent more time with my grandmothers. 

i wish i had learnt to live/laugh/love sooner.

i wish i had taken the chance when a mutual friend advised to buy in on bitcoin when it was 100bucks a pop wtf

but thats what life is like isnt it - living and learning, going through the mud you put yourself in and come out clean on the other side.  

at 30 almost 1, im still learning and unlearning. 

learning to relax and quiet my brain, unlearning the need to be constantly on the go

learning to just enjoy things, unlearning having to let everything i do have a purpose. 

learning to let go let god/universe/meta wtf, unlearning having to have everything under control

learning to trust and rely on others, and unlearning hyper-independence

and unlearning is so much harder than learning

and i think its going to be like this forever - learning and unlearning

because change is always happening and change is always needed

and change is good

because afterall,

isnt the purpose of life to experience it all and have a little fun while at it 

xx

Every now and then, my life shifts. 
And almost always it takes a path that requires so much change, the last chapter feels like a different book - the characters rotated out are replaced by a new cast, people who held the most airtime now barely stand on the sidelines, and the setting is entirely different. 

No matter how many times it happens, in the moment it always feels like the world is spinning off its orbit without forewarning and everything is a mess and nothing makes sense and there seems to be no reasonable explanation to justify the things that are happening. And more often than not, things are changing so much so fast there is no time to process thoughts and you just have to let things happen. 

but like seasons, winter comes and goes and spring always comes again after. 

Give it a year or two (or ten) - it will make sense.

Sometimes the reason is to learn what you had to so you'd become what you deserve to be; sometimes the reason is simply just that you were in your own way. and sometimes it's because you wouldn't take the action to relief yourself of a non-ideal situation if things weren't bad enough (re: the Region-beta paradox). The signs always come first as a whisper then a yell when you don't listen. 

Nothing monumental ever comes out of mediocrity - the law of averages rules that for every negative thing that is something positive of the same magnitude must happen. It simply is the law. 

(I personally believe that there is a large part played by the lack of resistance when control is given up and you have decided to let motion take its own course that it allows for the good to come in because of the law that like attracts like wtf - that's a different topic altogether, but both can be true simultaneously)

So rejoice in "bad" days because they are a sign that good must come. And enjoy the good days because they are the fruits of the work you've done. (and im not saying good can only come when bad happens because i will tell you firsthand shadow work is not pretty) 

See, the thing i've learnt that everything moves forward but only makes sense when you look backwards. 

And it took me awhile, but I have learnt to make peace with it and trust that what will come will make sense of all that is happening. It doesn't take away the dread or sense of lost control, but it helps sooth the heart a little and allows the mind to rest, knowing that answers will come in good time. 

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