Thank you, insecurities.
May 2, 2013 Thursday, May 02, 2013 | 1 comments

I think I look good with whiskers lol

More rants ahead! Feel free to just keep staring at my picture cause I think I prefer that too hahaha
Remember how I thanked puberty for changing me for the better wtf. 
Just to remind you wtf. Picture on the right also 1 year old already now
And actually both also quite ugly I agree HAHAHA
You are not allowed to disagree wtf 

But I think I owe some thanks to insecurities too. 

If I were to do a draw my life video I think really quite depressing haha. Thank cheesus I'm optimistic to the level where everything has a bright side wtf. 
Sub-thank you note for my mild retardedness WTF.

But I digress. 

I think all girls are a little bit insecure. Idk about guys la but I know girls definitely are. 
If at any point of life you meet a girl who is nada insecure, congratulations you just found a liar wtf. 

I grew up very invisible I'm not kidding. I have been to class reunions where people didnt know I exist. Literally. They only remember me because facebook suggested me as friend WTF. #truestory

So, naturally, I had only much fewer friends.
And when I did have them, I try so so so so hard to hold on to them, I go all out of my way to fit in.

I remember I had this one "friend" who kept asking money from me, and I would give it to her. And that happened for one whole year wtf. We stopped being friends when I stopped giving her my lunch money lol. Then after that I learnt about extortion WTF.

All my life I was a little.. ditzy to begin with, (weird before it was mainstream yowz #hipster wtf), and I've always gravitated towards things my peers wouldn't share interest in. And it's still the case now wtf.

But I didn't understand "different" then. All I thought that it was "wrong".
So I didn't do at all the things I like.
I was afraid of not being liked. I was afraid of not being accepted.

I laughed at jokes I didnt understand (which, looking back, I must have I looked like a complete idiot then fml), listened to music I didn't fancy, wore clothes that didn't appeal to me, joined clubs I had - and still have - no interest in, joined people I didn't like wtf.
I had no balance. One year, I'd be studying hard with the nerdy peeps; and the next, I was strolling with the ponteng kids (and, take it from me, it wasn't a smart thing to do kids. Let alone cool.)

External appearance was really still out of my comprehending league then. I was so unaware of what I look like I didnt know I looked like the left hahaha.

I remember there was this one time, this guy accidentally touched my face in course of his exaggerated gestures while talking wtf, and said "ew shit I have to wash my hands what if it rots" (in mandarin la I was from a chinese primary school).
And that was the day whats left of my confidence went completely down the drain haha. 
I was 11 then. 
I know it might seem very petty but to me it was life changing. 

I became this girl who thinks that people would never want to be friends with me because I was fat and ugly. (I was never fat btw but you know la girls haha). I never dared admit having a crush on anyone cause I thought I wasn't worthy enough to like someone. And I never believed if anyone told me they had a crush on me cause.. who would? 
I never took much pictures and didn't camho until I was age of 16. Suck on that. wtf. 

So the more I was afraid of being left out, the more I tried to fit in, the more I lost myself, and the more I was afraid.
It was a never ending cycle.
But I was never really happy.
In a along run, I realized that the friends I had was not mine - they were friends with the person I portrait as, the person I pretended to be. The real me, didn't have friends. Or rather, I realized I never gave myself a chance to make real friends, a chanced to be liked as myself.

The timing was perfect, really. It was just then I transferred to another school. So I kind of had a new beginning. I had my struggles, I had my doubts.

But I realized you can't please everyone.
You are always too thin, too fat; too tall, too short; too dark, too pale; not pretty enough, put too much make up; and one way or another, you are always "fake".
People are going to judge anyway.

Sure, until today, I can't help but feel that there are people talking behind my back. I can't help feeling people don't really like me. There will always be people not liking me, but I've decided to only acknowledge the rest that do.

And you know what? I actually have more friends now. Real friends.
Blessed as I am, the old ones stayed too. And love me for who I really am. I cannot begin with how grateful I am for that. :')

So this post, I dedicate it to my insecurities. Thank you for putting me thru everything. Thank you for making me learn to accept myself. Thank you for showing me my self-worth. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy being myself. Thank you for, in many ways, making me a better person.

If there was one quote I would live on, it would be that "Life isn't about finding yourself; it is about building yourself".

Lots of love, x.

P.S.! I'm back on Facebook! :D Made a new one cause I'm loosing out way too much haha. Add me up if I haven't add you k! Love yous