Sep 10, 2014 Wednesday, September 10, 2014 | 0 comments

repetitious pictures all day everyday wtf

I haven't had my time this packed for a long time: one thing after another, back-to-back. 
Not complaining tho. I've accomplished a few major things on my mental short-term to-do list, like meeting people I've been meaning to meet. All was well. 

My social skills have obviously deteriorated. Not to say that I feel extremely awkward or that there were extensive awkward silences, but everything felt a little - I can't find the right word, but the closest I can get is this - staged. 

It was probably when it dawned on me that I'll be an actual working adult in a years time when I started to put in even more effort talking to people. 

You see, I crap very well, but having quality conversations only happens when we're really close - that would take time, good chemistry, and also maybe the stars to align wtf. Unfortunately, I can't keep waiting for stars to align to make good conversations.

So I did what I do every time I face uncertainties - I Googled that shit LOL

And it did pay off - I got better at small talks, long talks, confrontations, relations, whatnot. 
Yet somehow I felt more distant than ever. 

It wasn't until yesterday when I had sometime away for myself when I realized how much I've become the person I warned myself about. I dressed acceptably, phrased my thoughts in ways that would come out as neutral, asked only questions I'm certain that there is no chance I will come across as invading another's privacy, saying only things that almost no one can an interpret as rude, pretentious, dim, or boring. 
It was tedious and difficult and it felt like walking on eggshells every time.

And last night, I realized how much I missed being freely my unflattering self. 

To be free is an irreplaceable feeling. There was little care, I was truly and wholly present, and everything was magical. It felt like we were unreal and at the same time the only things that exist.
Idk I'm really bad at this hahahaha

There aren't many I can be truly comfortable with (more like barely any fml). 
Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't so much because of whatever circumstances, but more because I hadn't let allow myself to. Because, then, if you don't like me, you don't like me

Sure it's easy to say that I don't care what people say about me because that's not my reality, but it would be a lie if I say it doesn't terrify me at all to think that there are people who might see all the wrongs in me.

But as Dr Seuss put it: "Those who mind don't matter; and those who matter won't mind." 

And I am thankful, for I am blessed with so many who I know will stay by. 

Love you xxx