daphiexn

Nov 24, 2018 Saturday, November 24, 2018 | 2 comments

The past half a year has been nothing less than an overwhelming amount of changes and intriguing experiences.

I've spent most time living in a place I've learnt to call home, and spent a fraction of that in another country I never really thought about but learnt to love. I hold true that the best way to learn about yourself is to be alone for awhile, and being in a foreign country with little to hold on to has to potential to do exactly that, contingent on having time to sit down and meditate on all the on-goings.

And time and mindspace were luxuries I could only crave for.

Too much time has passed where I've buried a lot of my self and believes and held them under the bottom of my heart to be palatable, and presented the version of myself that is the easiest to love. I try to justify and tell myself that it's part of growing up and I'd make up with taking time off to be disconnect and reconnect with my own energy, but it truly is not ideal or sustainable really.

It is such an easy thing to do, putting up a facade - be it being beautifully airbrushed, flawless, and setting high standards with "candid" photos that were carefully planned, or being closely complaint with the social standards and carefully inconspicuous - adoration is an ecstasy. And if after all that plastered overlay, there remains opinions that are not in favour, you can always just sweep it under the rug and tell yourself it's not really you they don't like.

You'd think that being an adult is a lot of "practise makes perfect" but everyday feels like a new test and I'm constantly underprepared (that might have a lot to do with wanting to appease an audience of 15 ilks wtf).

But, I digress.

Nothing can be done for what has been done, and as the saying goes, better late then never.

I guess a big part of growth is realizing what you love and what you don't - it is in contrasts, we learn. but the bigger part of it is actualizing the changes we need to make.

There's a lot to figure out on my end, but if there is one thing I am sure of, it is this:

Be never not grateful.

I don't know if I'm putting them in words right, but I believe there is a tiny space between not grateful and grateful - a space of constant motion - and not not grateful lies exactly there.

If I'm being completely honest, there are days where I violently choose to believe in the existence of a multiverse, so my heart can rest with the idea that, wherever I am at any point of time, there is a version of me that is exploding with joy and drowning in love of all forms. Life in my line is very much comparable to a long-distance sprint, but even on days where my brain is numb and my body feels like it's not mine, I am never not grateful.

I am never not grateful for tiny things like walls and curtains and hot showers and pavements and Grab wtf, and for bigger things like being so spoilt with flights and hotels, realizing the people worth keeping around, the ones who go literally extra miles for me, and adequate sleep wtf.

But above all, I am never not grateful for this journey of a life.

Not everything is a baby breeze but isn't that where the fun comes in? It's such a hard pill to swallow to know that not everything is going to happen the way you want them do, but please trust that everything is happening in your favour, I promise you that much.

There really isn't much that I haven't said that I want to say, and this has so little relation but I feel the need to say this:

I wish for you a love that understands how you need to be loved,

I wish for you a love that put your heart in clouds - in a floating fluff of calm, easy joy,

I wish for you a love that puts you above dollars and hours, and will do anything to keep your heart safe,

And I wish you find all this love in you, for you,

before you find another who would do the same for you.

Until next time, love.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you.

Thank you for reading my non-proofread, muddled thoughts wtf

Writing is truly therapeutic and the only way my thoughts come the closest to making sense

And this piece was supposed to be much different from what it become

I'm trying out "get done is better than get perfect" so here goes, see (but let's see how it goes wtf)

But any writing put my heart in a place that is more at peace,

and that was the only goal.

Signing off at 4.30am.

ilysm gn.

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