前三年 在审计公司忙忙碌碌的 一年能回家的次数屈指可数

后来疫情关系 快两年半没回家

回家见到爸妈那一瞬间 突然发现 

原来 我好想家 

那天我妈叫我替她拍张护照要用的照

看见原相机里的妈妈 我恍惚了

我妈什么时候 长折子了 头发什么时候白的

一瞬间 我感觉到眼泪涌着上来 

但还是硬硬地把它給咽了

再仔细看看我爸

什么时候开始 我爸也老了

头发白了 老人斑了也有了

还消瘦了很多

晚餐时我妈谈着她和她兄弟姐妹的聚餐

说了句 “我们也不年轻了啊 你大舅都七十了

一年聚三次 也可能见不到五十次”

那个晚上 我压抑不住

悄悄地躲在被窝里哭

不孝啊 

我自顾自的在国外拼搏

却忘了 家里俩老也需要陪伴

疫情时间我妈还动了刀

手术后康复期才告诉我

说是 免得我担心

不孝啊

想象不到她是多害怕

毕竟手术再小都有风险

人不在身边 还让老人家惦记着心境

疫情后我尽可能的常回家 弥补

家里有什么可以帮补的 我尽力而为

深怕错过任何一个孝顺的机会

我已经错过了孝敬阿嫲的机会

不能错过父母了

前段时间看到这一句：

“不需要离乡背井 还能成功 才是真正的成功”

深深烙印在我心里

是啊

要是我再多点本事

或许可以多一点时间 多挣点钱

多挪点时间陪陪家人 带上他们去说了几年都没去成的旅行

如果可以 我想和二十年前的自己说一句

孝顺 趁早

多帮阿嫲穿线 和阿嫲一边包云吞 一边唠嗑

多和爸妈说说话 听听他们小时候的故事

听听他们在是爸妈之前 也有过的人生

-

嗯

可能是中秋的关系

虽然才前几天见了面

但节日上不能团聚 特想家

也想趁思路明白

写给以后因为生活忙碌 可能会忘了这事的自己

-

中秋节快乐大家

愿 老少平安健康 

事事顺心 团团圆圆

就此搁笔

someone once asked me if i could turn back time, where would i go and what would i do differently.

i ponder about this all the time, and think about all the mistake, things ive said that i regret, things i didnt do/say and regret, and about a million moments i wish i could relive. 

i wish i learnt about the importance of sunscreen earlier.

i wish i'd given that scholarship a shot and experience studying abroad.

i wish i spent more time with my grandmothers. 

i wish i had learnt to live/laugh/love sooner.

i wish i had taken the chance when a mutual friend advised to buy in on bitcoin when it was 100bucks a pop wtf

but thats what life is like isnt it - living and learning, going through the mud you put yourself in and come out clean on the other side.  

at 30 almost 1, im still learning and unlearning. 

learning to relax and quiet my brain, unlearning the need to be constantly on the go

learning to just enjoy things, unlearning having to let everything i do have a purpose. 

learning to let go let god/universe/meta wtf, unlearning having to have everything under control

learning to trust and rely on others, and unlearning hyper-independence

and unlearning is so much harder than learning

and i think its going to be like this forever - learning and unlearning

because change is always happening and change is always needed

and change is good

because afterall,

isnt the purpose of life to experience it all and have a little fun while at it 

xx

Every now and then, my life shifts. 
And almost always it takes a path that requires so much change, the last chapter feels like a different book - the characters rotated out are replaced by a new cast, people who held the most airtime now barely stand on the sidelines, and the setting is entirely different. 

No matter how many times it happens, in the moment it always feels like the world is spinning off its orbit without forewarning and everything is a mess and nothing makes sense and there seems to be no reasonable explanation to justify the things that are happening. And more often than not, things are changing so much so fast there is no time to process thoughts and you just have to let things happen. 

but like seasons, winter comes and goes and spring always comes again after. 

Give it a year or two (or ten) - it will make sense.

Sometimes the reason is to learn what you had to so you'd become what you deserve to be; sometimes the reason is simply just that you were in your own way. and sometimes it's because you wouldn't take the action to relief yourself of a non-ideal situation if things weren't bad enough (re: the Region-beta paradox). The signs always come first as a whisper then a yell when you don't listen. 

Nothing monumental ever comes out of mediocrity - the law of averages rules that for every negative thing that is something positive of the same magnitude must happen. It simply is the law. 

(I personally believe that there is a large part played by the lack of resistance when control is given up and you have decided to let motion take its own course that it allows for the good to come in because of the law that like attracts like wtf - that's a different topic altogether, but both can be true simultaneously)

So rejoice in "bad" days because they are a sign that good must come. And enjoy the good days because they are the fruits of the work you've done. (and im not saying good can only come when bad happens because i will tell you firsthand shadow work is not pretty) 

See, the thing i've learnt that everything moves forward but only makes sense when you look backwards. 

And it took me awhile, but I have learnt to make peace with it and trust that what will come will make sense of all that is happening. It doesn't take away the dread or sense of lost control, but it helps sooth the heart a little and allows the mind to rest, knowing that answers will come in good time. 

-

 Dear younger self,

It has been a very long time since I last wrote to you. And to say that the trajectory of our lives have changed is only covering a fraction of all there is.

Right here and now is where I never thought I'll be. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's a prefrontal cortex thing, but I can tell you with certainty that so much that we used to worry about sits so far behind my head. 

They don't really go away, I think - the thought of having to be more or do better and the lack of what is, but I have grown to appreciate what is and what is possible to become that just to mope and be my own worst critic. Self-reflection is necessary, but it is as necessary to be kind to yourself and allow yourself for time. 

-

There is so much I want to tell you and so much I will not - because it is just not the same to understand it intellectually and feel it viscerally. But what i will tell you is this: 

This seeming overt advise encompass (for me) a big question mark of what being oneself means, and growing up it seemed like an endless quest to conquer - which I soon later realise, it is. 

As time passes and things happen, what is ideal is not only vague but also constantly evolving; as we are inevitably always reconstructing the person that we are. 

And I'm here to tell you that, you are allowed to change. 

You are allowed to have liked one thing your whole life and not like it one morning. 

You are allowed to try-out different things and realize it's not your thing and move on. 

You are allowed to change things for absolutely no reason at all. 

It's not your job to make sense of yourself for others - you just need to make sense to you. 

And honestly? People don't care about it as much as you think they would. They have themselves to think about, the same way you and I both spend the vast majority of our time worrying about ourselves. 

-

So just be yourself, and embrace every big and tiny changes you feel like making. 

So long you do no harm to others and understand that your actions are consequential, just do it. 

Life truly is too short to think about absolutely every possible worst outcome (but please do so responsibly - take calculated risks if you must). The worst that can happen is that you absolutely hate it; but the worst that can happen if you don't, is ever-wondering what-ifs. 

-

Whatever happens, 

I am here for you, and I love u. 

Always, 

(almost) 30 year old you

xx

There were few moments in my life where my reality took a 180 and i barely recognize the world i live in. 

Right now, I'm sitting in a room i have never set foot in until 3 months ago, in a residence ive been to maybe 5 times in my lifeline, in a sweater i have first seen only a month ago. The people who are my constants now are mostly people who ive never met / have lost touch with until less than half a year ago. 

New job, new space, new constants - all in half a year-ish. 

-

It's watching the pieces of yourself you are most familiar with fall apart - sometimes, as you are tearing it apart. It is free falling not knowing where you may land. It is removing yourself from an environment you have learnt the patterns of and putting faith in an ideal that, at the point of change, feels so far and intangible. 

It is letting go of everything you know for a chance that what may come will be closer to what you truly desire. 

We cant be the same person we were 10 years ago. The only thing as terrifying as change is the thought of living in a loop - doing the same thing and having the same thoughts over and over again perpetually with little to no variation, never knowing or questioning what may or could be. 

So i guess it's all about choosing your terrifying. 

but speaking from experience, time and exposure does change a person whether you like it or not. And when the change becomes radical and you have expanded as a person, what that had been a comforting warm hug feels a tight squeeze, and the way to ease resistance would be for you to inevitably remove yourself. 

- 

Einstein's first law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but can only be changed from one form to another. 

It is law that nothing that has been taken will not be replaced with something that is a better match for you on a vibrational level. And it is law that, as the field shifts, only those that are compatible to your energy can stay. It is simply the law. 

Blessed are the ones who are able to change with poise and ease, but the lucky ones are those who are able to keep a few constants close no matter how much they change. I like to call them the forever people / gravity. Much like gravity to earth, it doesn't matter how much the world has changed, gravity is always relevant, and is always there. 

-

So I am grateful. 

I'm grateful for the chaos of change that (on hindsight) was very much inevitable. 

I'm grateful for the comfort that was a safety net i outgrew, for all the parts it has played in my past, directly or indirectly contributing to making me the version i am today. 

I'm grateful for new experiences and the opportunity to grow. 

and I'm grateful for change. 

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